Self-Revelation

Up until very recently, I had been living in a dark cloud that was holding me back. Sure, little specks of light would shine through and bring a smile to my face, but in general I felt something was missing. I missed the young woman who was me four years ago on the brink of a new stage in my life, ready to graduate high school. I was at the top of my game, loving life, being creative, and enjoying the world around me.

Then I fell for a guy. And that began a plunge down the rabbit hole where I felt my happiness and beauty depended upon what a guy would think of me. Everyone else’s thoughts about me mattered more than my own did. I didn’t feel attractive or beautiful. There was a need for me to cross through the fiery pits of Hell and back to prove to someone else that I was worthy and a good person. If he didn’t care about me, I didn’t care about me. My self-esteem was on the edge of a knife tipping precariously and threatening to dash to the ground and break into pieces the positive image I had been struggling to build for years since I started to have a woman’s developing body. Every mean comment he or anyone else made, I took personally. He and I never ended up working.

Fast-forward through my first three years of college. I’m spreading my wings and developing my talents. I was in a long-distance relationship and felt he was “The One” made for me in every way. Except I was constantly battling to keep us alive. I worked so hard to be patient and loving, constantly forgiving and trying not to let some of his jabs at my self-esteem and perception get to me. I brushed past the red flags and looked forward to what the future could be like and how I could help him become even better than ever. I spent so long in this dream world of the future that I didn’t pay attention to how he was treating me in the present. I wish that he had sent me a birthday card or any kind of card at all. I wish that he had put more effort into making us work. There is much more involved in this that I don’t want to re-visit right now…

I made the difficult decision to end it last Monday. And he hasn’t even reached out to me at all. Not one email, phone call, or attempt to settle on a mutual understanding. All I’ve gotten from the place he’s lived is a sexually harassing phone call at midnight last night. And I don’t even know if he had anything directly to do with that…

Amazingly enough, I feel wonderful now that I’ve let go of him. A huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. And I have come upon the realization that I don’t need to be validated by any other person other than myself. People can lie and spread all the drama they want about me. I’ve let go of all of everyone’s shit they’ve piled on top of me. I am now an older, wiser version of the young woman I was four years ago.

I know I’m intelligent, accomplished, and beautiful. Nothing anyone else will say will change that. They can think what they want about me. Just because they say I’m something doesn’t make their assumption true.

I am me.

A man doesn’t have to love me in order for me to love myself.

❤ Me

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XXXVII (O love, O crazy sunbeam)

Here’s a poem by one of my favourite poets, Pablo Neruda.

O love, O crazy sunbeam and purple premonition,

you come to me and climb your cool stairway,

the castle that time has crowned with fog,

pale walls of a closed heart.

No one else will know that only a delicacy could do it,

building its crystals as strong as a city;

that the blood poured open its sad tunnels, but its strength

never did overpower the winter. Love,

that is why your mouth, your skin, your light, your sadnesses

were all the patrimony of life, the blessed

gift of the rain, of the natural world

that holds and lifts the pregnant seeds,

the secret storm of the wine in the cellars,

the flare of the corn in the soil.

-Pablo Neruda

~*~

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The Snowball

Once there was a little snowball

So soft and white and pristine

Virgin snow

Innocent and newly fallen from the heavens

 

She was very small compared

To the rest of the world

In all its grand splendour

And gigantic possibilities

 

Then one day

A group of children

Began playing with her

Picking her up

Smashing her together

Into a harder ball

 

They threw her at each other

Screaming and laughing

Having fun at her extent

Without realizing she was terrified

And screaming for help

 

One boy threw her so hard

That she smashed against a tree

Where she exploded into

A million fragments

Scattering across the ground

 

Yet another boy picked her

Pieces up again

This time bringing debris and

Sticks and stones

Hurting her with their sharp edges

 

This fight

Lasted forever in her eyes

Until a mother’s call

Made the boys drop her

Allowing her to escape this

Never-ending war

That she had nothing to do with

 

And she let herself scatter

In the winds

Letting go of all the shit

That had mixed in her

Beautiful skin

Embracing the fresh cool air

On her face

Finally free

~*~

❤ Me

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To No One in Particular:

(Disclaimer: I just needed to rant and get this out. If you think that I am speaking directly to you, I may very well be. But then again, I may be talking to someone completely different. It will remain a mystery, the “you” in this post. Because in all honesty, I wouldn’t be able to tell you who this person is. It could be anyone. Don’t judge me for what I write. If you don’t want to read me spewing out complaints, then do not waste your time reading this. If you think I’m being self-absorbed, fine. That’s your opinion. But it’s not the truth.)

I’m really fed up with you.

You and your selfish ways. I can’t believe you actually conceived that idea and followed through with it. You are just ridiculous. You and your “high and mighty” ways, convincing yourself that what you think is the truth and no other idea holds a candle to your bonfire of ignorance.

Who gave you the right to sneak up behind my back and butcher me with a knife? Certainly not God. There’s no chance He’d support you. Why do you even call yourself a spiritual person? If you knew what the essence of spirituality was, you’d seriously have a revelation that you are actually nothing but a pig. A chauvinistic, self-righteous swine.

I thought you loved me. I thought you cared about me. I thought you appreciated me enough as a human being to treat me with respect and how I want to be treated. Which is honestly, truthfully, and with compassion. Well if you thought that was love, you’re dead wrong.

When I think everything is okay, you pull the rug out from underneath me and just watch me fall to the floor. With a smile on your face the entire time. You’re sick. Perhaps a little addled in the head too. No sane person would do the things you do.

Why didn’t you just be honest with me from the beginning? Why didn’t you try to include me in your dreams, desires, and hopes? Why didn’t you just… talk to me. If you had, none of this would have happened. We’d be perfectly okay. Happy as clams. Snug as bugs in a rug. Where did those phrases even come from? How do you know clams get happy? Do bugs really enjoy cozying up together? Sometimes the spoken and written word does not make sense. At all. So don’t depend on that completely to communicate with me. I need your voice, I need your touch, I need your arms, I need your lips, I need you. You in all your flawed glory. There is glory in you. I feel it. I guess you can’t see what I see.

Oh. So you do that? Well, you just made an ignorant move by saying those words. They may have been said in the heat of your depression, but that gives you no excuse. I’m tired of forgiving you. You have toed and crossed the line, even on purpose, too many times for me to go back and continue this endless cycle. I can’t. No, I won’t. Because I could. And if I did, maybe things would be better, wonderful, even. A happy ending where the white knight carries off the fair maiden into the sunset. When she runs into her father’s arms and all is forgiven, and joyful little forest creatures sing and dance merrily in celebration.

But that’s called a fantasy. That isn’t real. And I’ve painted you up to be beautiful and accomplished and loving and caring and always there for me and always there to forgive and support. I don’t think you would be able to count how many times I’ve forgiven what you said and did to me because I hoped it would get better.

If it gets better, then that’s great. But. I can’t help but just be afraid. Of what might happen, your cyclic anger, and most importantly, what I could do to myself. If this worry makes me sick and vomit and causes me to be physically ill, I need to get rid of it. And how do I do this? By removing myself from what makes me sick. That’s you.

I love you, and I always will. We are flesh and blood, from the same body. But. I just know in my heart that I won’t be able to risk my sanity and health and well-being for you. It is not fair to me. You are being abusive. Emotionally abusive. It’s so hard for me to verbalize it, but as I do, I know it’s true. And I can’t fall back into this same pattern and same routine. When it’s going good, it’s going great. But when it’s bad it’s awful.

And I don’t need awful. I need support. From you. 24/7. 7 days a week. 4 weeks a month. 12 months a year. Now, if you say you love me and you really do love me, you will be able to tell yourself and me that you support me. That if I call at 10pm at night saying I need to talk to you, you will drop everything and come to me as soon as you can. That you will politely tell your friends that you need to leave their smoke-infested houses but look forward to hanging out with them another time soon. You’ll ask to borrow a phone so you can talk to me. You won’t wait for me to practically want to scream in your ear that I’m ready and waiting for you to come and eat or come to bed or just plain old spend time with me. You’ll say, “Give me 5 minutes, and I’ll be there” and actually live up to your word. Instead of finally swaggering in at your convenience.

That’s what I am to you. Convenient. A convenient confidante. Unfortunately, in the real world, this term is not synonymous with a healthy relationship. It’s called something that’s one-sided. One person flies high and free and happy thinking everything is wonderful when really the other person is getting physically sick with stress, worry, nerves, and fear that it’s her fault you don’t show and give and tell her what she most wants to hear. I used to think I had to fall on my hands and knees, placating myself before you and begging you to forgive me. Well, now the tables have turned. I will be the stubborn one and wait for you to come to me, to initiate, to apologize, and to beg my forgiveness. Do you think I will grant it to you?

Yes, I will forgive you. That is what I do. Simple as that.

However, it will take me a very long time. First I just need time apart. I need space. I need to be nurtured on what goes on in my life as a passionate woman ready to take on the world.

Most importantly, if you want us to still be happy together, if you really want to keep me from erasing you completely from my life… You’re going to have to change. You’re going to have to do some deep soul-searching and find out what it is that you have done to me. If you have no idea, then you really must not know anything at all. If you don’t want to change, then that means that you don’t want me in your life. Plain and simple. At this very moment, you don’t deserve what I’m doing for you. You’re not worth these tears, this vomiting, this pain, this heartbreak. I am so much of a better, beautiful, powerful woman than how I’m behaving. That’s because I’ve been conditioned since childhood to be submissive and subservient.

You know what? You’re not even worth me finishing this blog…

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An I Ú Nathant (For What Might Have Been)

(Note: I wrote this very long poem on June 17, 2008. Originally, I had written it for my own personal sake as a catharsis and shared with only one other person. Why am I sharing it now, do you ask? Because I believe I’m ready to. I have a gift for writing and poetry, and I have used it to cope with many issues I have had in the past and still have today.

This particular poem visits what I believe are the darkest days of my life. It is sad, and I don’t know how you as the reader will respond to it. That part of my life didn’t have a happy ending, but I’m proud to say I have moved on to become a much stronger person since.

I’m stepping out on a limb sharing this, so I hope you take the time to read and experience it. As I mentioned before, it’s very lengthy. If you have thoughts, please feel free to share what you think about it. I would love to hear your feedback. However, due to the emotionally sensitive material for me, I would only appreciate positive comments. 

I hope you like it.)

How the months pass.

As if they were the whims of

Heavenly beings,

Riding on their wings.

Last August seems so near.

That chance encounter

Sparking interest, arousing need

To befriend each other

Though kept apart by time and distance.

Yet we laughed, we shared,

We poured out our souls.

My heart sleepily opened her eyes,

Stretching ever so gently,

Learning how to feel something new.

Basking in your nurturing words.

Love poured forth from my lips

Like a fountain of faith and hope

And joy, effortless joy.

Nothing could quell my passion.

I wanted my brightness to shine forth,

Illuminating the world,

Never allowing it to burn out.

But the words came.

Those dreaded words of doubt

Dashing at my heart relentlessly.

I turned a blind eye,

My heart set, decision made

Although my head took in those words

And allowed doubt to creep in.

Slowly the earth began to slip away.

My mind surrendered to my heart’s desire,

Forming a fortress of poetry, music, and love

Nothing else.

Casting an illusion upon everything

I saw, I ate, I felt.

This world I entered was blissful.

You were with me, always.

You were my soul mate,

The knight in shining armor

That would share your love story with the world.

To friends, to journalists, to world leaders.

Your love for me would fly you to me

In an explosion of celebration

As we embraced,

Tuning everything out except our two souls.

My thoughts confused everyone,

Their ignorance hurt.

Pangs of pain and insomnia plagued me,

Night and day blended into one.

My appetite for food diminished,

Replaced by my hunger to be with you.

The worst part was the fact

You had grown silent.

I could no longer hear your voice.

You turned to stone.

My tears of suffering rained on

Everything and everyone.

One day, I believed you were here.

I packed a suitcase,

Excited and filled with happiness,

Our love so alike would be joined.

Then I realized this place I was brought to

Was not to you.

It was a prison of hell

Where I was forced to give up everything,

Strip naked

Baring my soul, my consciousness

Without a choice.

Pouring everything out to strangers

With clipboards

Shoving pills down my throat.

They learned everything, nothing spared.

I lost myself,

Uprooted from my body,

Only a shell remained.

Then a new mind was planted in me.

Over the days I re-grew

My personality, my speech, my actions

Under the watchful eyes of my captors.

Pen and paper was all I had

To express myself freely yet harnessed,

My creativity, my talents.

And God was the only One who understood

Me completely.

Humans made diagnoses and judgments,

But I was no lab experiment.

I am not of this earth.

No one will ever truly comprehend what I am

Except my Creator.

My health grew as did my wisdom.

I learned how to escape.

When I walked from that place

Carrying my bags of precious belongings,

I let the air blow freely across my face.

My soul was resurrected on the ninth day.

Unfortunately the world had kept turning

While I had been gone,

Leaving me in a new period of time.

Everything was different.

I was changed,

Never to be the same.

Fierce was my determination to return

To my old lifestyle, my old habits, my old lifestyle,

But upon my re-entrance

I was barraged with stares and questions,

People whispering and forming

Suspicions

Even my relationship with my best friend changed forever.

No I did not forget you, love.

My feelings matured,

I knew you wouldn’t come,

But my heart still sang for you,

Eager to talk with you after ages of separation.

Still you were silent,

Deaf to my pleas for comfort and reassurance.

There would be brief moments

Where I would read your words.

A sentence at a time,

I absorbed every letter, every picture,

Desperate to once again be with you,

To see your face, your smile, hear your voice,

Telling me that you still loved,

That there was still hope

Despite what everyone said.

I shed tears,

I went through bouts of physical frailty,

Gave my blood,

I lost my solo

And was haunted by an immature version

For months,

Spent long hours to try and get my life

Back together,

Failing grades being raised

Over the entire semester

To my standard of excellence

A new year came

And with it, an improved me.

I received countless chances to shine,

To be honored and celebrated.

Still I loved you,

But you were only a ghost of memory.

I wished you were here to share my successes.

All of a sudden I met your new relationship,

My heart shattered into many pieces.

I learned from her that I was nothing to you,

Simply an annoyance to complain to your friends about.

I had wanted you to share

What we had with others,

Instead you had kept every word a secret,

I had no idea what was real from you.

When you were still friendly to me

A sharp reality dawned.

You and I would never happen.

A month passed from the death of my heart.

I sang the poetry we wrote

And shared it with the world.

One night someone heard my voice

And he softly touched my bleeding heart.

We spoke in a common language,

My heart began to heal.

I found a reason to love again.

We were separated by distance and time

Once again,

Same doubts from others

But this time I heard more support.

And he loved me, saying it endlessly.

I didn’t have to fantasize about him

Because he shared his heart with me,

Unafraid to proclaim his love to those around him.

There was a new faith

Now accompanied by a promise:

He is coming to me

Truly,

And with him will come the sense

I have been missing these months,

Touch.

I have not forgotten you,

My first love.

I will always love you,

But my feelings for you will be locked away

In secret

As you had done to me

From the very beginning.

You no longer have me,

Only the memories of my fevered love for you.

I can no longer hear you,

But I still feel you,

My angel.

Your words will always remain

Footprints on my heart,

And I will turn to them

In remembrance of my eve of adulthood

When you and I had our own

Private heaven together.

There will be times

When I slip away quietly

From my life in the coming years

To return to you

In our Eden.

I wish never to lose the key to the garden

Where what we had is frozen

And captured in this place,

Out of the bounds of time.

My only wish is that you

Don’t lose your key either.

A meleth perónen,

Im meleth ich.

 ~*~

Thank you for taking the time out to read this. 🙂

❤ Me

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