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Archive for September, 2010

Full-Time Woman

I’ve come to some interesting and crazy revelations about my life.

Throughout my entire life I’ve put myself into so many different situations, especially pertaining to academics, activities, performance, and leadership. I thrive on having projects to work on and always have to be accomplishing something, learning and growing.

Being a third year in university is really bringing out the stress and busyness of what I have to do in my life as a student. I was a nerd and actually calculated how many total hours in the week I am spent in classes and rehearsals. Basically 24 hours. An entire day, sitting in a classroom, learning, and singing. This doesn’t take into account practicing or homework outside of class. It doesn’t count eating, sleeping, and spending time resting and recuperating. This means a whole day doesn’t exist for me to relax. The other six days of my week are spent doing everything else and catching up. It’s mind-boggling.

It frustrates me sometimes when people complain about being bored and have nothing to do. That’s not true at all! There are so many endless possibilities! The mind can create so many ideas of something to expand on and learn! When someone says they’re bored and having nothing to do, it’s almost as if they’re too lazy to think about what they could be doing. It’s a waste of time to be bored. Every second in life is precious and shouldn’t be taken for granted. How do you know that something might happen in the future that changes your life forever, for better or worse? You can read, write, watch a movie, listen to music, draw, play an instrument, and so much more! Everyone has so many talents they can develop! Why spend your time complaining that there is nothing to do?

This leads me into another frustration of mine…

(Of course my stupid keyboard decides to magically erase a nice, lengthy paragraph that I had written… Let’s try this again…)

Due to my life as a student and well, as me, I can’t always make time for everyone and everything that people want me to do. Prioritizing is such a complex concept to me, especially now that I juggle eleven classes worth of practicing and homework. Thank goodness I have days between classes so I can actually accomplish what I can! But I can’t do and finish everything when others want me to. I wish I could do everything people want me to do. I wish I could take time and listen to everyone who wants to chat with me. It’s not possible for me to do everything I’m supposed to do and make everyone happy and satisfied. All too often, I don’t finish papers or homework on time. That doesn’t mean I never finish. Of course I do! My personality doesn’t tolerate not finishing tasks. (Except certain ideas that fall out of interest and are replaced with better ideas.)

Unfortunately, there have been friends and family in my life who have either gotten angry at me or hurt because I couldn’t fulfill what they wanted me to do. I’ve been called everything from selfish, egotistical, self-centered, vain, and many other words about how I don’t care about other people. These are not true. In fact, they’re pretty contrary to how I feel about others. If I could, I would reach out to everyone and make everyone happy and never have to worry about being thought badly of. But life in this world isn’t perfect. I’ve really been learning about myself and how it’s important not to let words and negative thoughts of others affect me as a person. Sure, people get jealous, angry, sad, and frustrated with me. Do I have any control over how they react? Nope. I can learn from what they say about me and try to do better next time. If they get all pissed off at me and hold a grudge and gossip, spreading slander about me with falsities, then I’ll just have to accept what they say. It’s not as if I can keep them from thinking about what they do, even if they’re lies and distortions of the truth. When I’m on Facebook, there are many times when people start chatting with me, and I’m actually needing to hurry off and get to a class, meeting, rehearsal, recital, homework, you name it. Sometimes I have less than an hour to grab something to eat between classes, and I hop on the computer for a quick update. And when I tell the person(s) that I have to go and can’t talk, they feel hurt because I can’t take the time to listen to them.

Honestly, when I say that I’m busy and I’m not able to talk at that moment, I’m telling the truth. It’s not about avoiding someone or not caring about them or being selfish. It’s about how much that I have to do with a limited amount of time to do it. There’s no need to be angry with me because of this.

I certainly am making up time for my blogging break with this long entry! Ah well, you’re getting a peek into my hectic and crazy life. It’s never boring. If anything, I need to work harder to relax, if that makes sense. I can’t control the world as much as I would prefer to. I can only control myself and how I choose to respond to outside influences and circumstances.

And now it is time for me to get back to my homework! I have a French Composition to write, a section of another French novel I’m reading to finish, piano to practice, and a musical piece I need to memorize!
Wish me luck!

❤ Me

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Realizations

1. I’ve come to realize that my boobs…
…are quite amazing but will always pose a challenge to the world of fashion due to their size and my hips/waist ratios.
2. I’ve come to realize that my job…
 …will always bring challenges and demands on myself but will be satisfying along the journey.
 
3. I’ve come to realize that when I’m driving…
…I get really frustrated with the stupid drivers out there who don’t follow the traffic laws and also nervous that I’m going to be in an accident.
4. I’ve come to realize that I need…
 …to forgive the people who have traumatized and my past as well as forgive my mind and body for not being perfect.
5. I’ve come to realize that I have lost…
…a significant portion of insecurity about myself and the fear of failure. (There’s still more to overcome, but I’ve progressed so much over these years.)
6. I’ve come to realize that I hate it when…
…people are ignorant, intolerant, disrespectful, cannot forgive and progress from the past, break my trust in them, refuse to open themselves to alternate possibilites, etc. 
7. I’ve come to realize that if I’m drunk…
 …I shouldn’t be because it’s dangerous for me.
8. I’ve come to realize that money…
 …breeds greed, hoarding, corruption, and ruins the lives of good people that simply cannot live because they don’t have it.
9. I’ve come to realize that people….
 …have so much more to their story than what they show to the world. Some are selfish, thrive on the misfortunes and gossip of others, and are cutthroat, but many want to help make their surroundings a better place.
10. I’ve come to realize that I’ll always be…
 …the intelligent, compassionate, beautiful, generous, trustworthy, loving, and spiritual woman that I am. I shouldn’t have to change and detract from my inner strength in order to satisfy others.
11. I’ve come to realize that if I drunk dial people…
 …that I wouldn’t be me because I’m never drunk and wouldn’t call people if I was anyways.
12. I’ve come to realize that my mom…
 …is the strongest and most compassionate woman I’ve ever known. She deserves so much more than how people treat her.
13. I’ve come to realize that my cell phone is…
…a lifeline to the outside world.
14. I’ve come to realize that when I woke up this morning…
…I slept later than I have for the past couple of weeks.
15. I’ve come to realize that last night before I went to sleep…
 …I had worked extremely hard yesterday and deserved the comfort of my Memory Foam mattress and clean sheets!
16. I’ve come to realize that right now I am thinking about…
 …all that I must accomplish before I wake up tomorrow.
17. I’ve come to realize that my Dad…
…is my father, and he loves me. He just has a difficult way of showing it to me in his words and actions.
18. I’ve come to realize that when I get on MySpace…
 …I secretly want messages and comments praising my musical talents as a singer and lots of listening! (http://www.myspace.com/jennaenil)
19. I’ve come to realize that today…
 …is a new day open to many possibilities! I should relax but keep in mind all that must be accomplished before I go to lessons and class tomorrow. And I need to finally finish cleaning, organizing and decorating my room!
20. I’ve come to realize that tonight…
 I will relax, maybe watch a movie, read, meditate/pray, and go to bed satisfied.
 
21.I’ve come to realize that tomorrow I will…
 …play the piano well, speak French amazingly, sing beautifully and learn new ways to be a better vocalist, learn new ways to use my mouth and tongue, and do a boatload of homework for Wednesday.
22. I’ve come to realize that I really want to…
 …be with the love of my life in person and open my mind further to new possibilities!
23. I’ve come to realize that the person who is most likely to read this will be…
…anyone who cares to.
24. I’ve come to realize that life…
 …is a gift, and I should live it while I can to my absolute fullest so I do not pass on with regrets.
25. I’ve come to realize that this weekend…
 …has been great fun and is a wonderful blessing.
26. I’ve realized the best music to listen to when I am upset…
 …are the songs/pieces that magically relax me and make me fall in love with life all over again. 
27. I’ve come to realize that my friends…
…love me and care about me. They deserve to know how much I appreciate them. 
28. I’ve come to realize that this year…
 …has been a crazy adventure with ups and downs, and it will only have more coming soon!
❤ Me

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Not So Pleasant Dream

I had a dream Saturday night that was more vivid and actually quite disturbing than my usual, albeit not very often, times I dream:

A group and I were running from an army of evil approaching. We ran across a fenced-in field to an old chapel to take refuge. Once inside, we knew that the evil ones would be able to enter our sanctuary. We knew in our hearts that we were not even safe in that house of God. Looking out the windows, we saw rows upon rows of demonic soldiers making their way down the path to the chapel. The leader was like the Devil himself, similar in appearance to Lord Voldemort from Harry Potter. We were all standing and sitting in the pews fearfully as he took over with the help of his minions. A man I knew as a close friend was on my right and whispered that if I knew the seven special numbers and spoke them aloud, the Evil One would be defeated. I looked around and saw on a hymnal the number 45 and felt intrinsically that was one of the numbers of power to defeat the Devil. But I was afraid of saying aloud, afraid of what might happen if I shouted that number aloud so all could hear. Would I be tortured? Killed? Someone somewhere in front of me shouted out a number, and I could hear demons screaming as a part of the Evil was destroyed. Emboldened, I called out 45, and the Devil looked right at me. He said that I was not wholly human, but he didn’t mind that. He approached me with a gleaming eye and sneer, reaching out and caressing me from my cheek to my breast as if he wanted me to be his concubine. I felt so sickened. My friend next to me said in defense that I was his wife, but the Evil One just laughed. Then the Devil had his minions bring seven random and innocent people aside in full view of the entire chapel to set an example of them if we continued to call out numbers of power. I had a sick feeling inside of me that for every correct number of power we called out, he would murder a civilian….
…And then I woke up to the sound of M vacuuming the living room.

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