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Archive for December, 2012

Twelve Lessons of 2012

In honor of it being the last day of the year, I thought I would share a few lessons I’ve experienced and learned throughout 2012.

 

  1. Getting into an exercise routine is actually fun and something to be excited about! I started up the P90X workout in my family room and survived Phase One! Within the first 5 days I could notice a positive change! It felt good to be making a committed effort to taking better care of my body. I put it on hold near the end of the year and didn’t finish it, but I definitely have the motivation to start it back up again and see where I am after completing Phases Two and Three. It will be exciting!
  2. Life is precious. This year, my brother almost died twice. He was diagnosed with kidney failure around Valentine’s Day and now undergoes dialysis three nights a week for about three and a half hours a sitting to clean his blood. Then in October he had an accident and fractured his jaw in three places and needed facial reconstructive surgery. His jaw had to be wired shut for a while too. Now he is doing a lot better, and his attitude on life has changed for the better. It’s a miracle he’s still standing here today. We have our fights and differences, but I’m definitely glad he’s alive and proud to call him my brother.
  3. If you spend more time crying and heartbroken during a relationship than out of one, then you should leave that situation. I rebounded into another relationship a little too soon after my first (and terrible) break-up with a boyfriend that I had been with for 2.5 years. My second one started nicely. We made our connection first in person rather than online, which was a nice change of pace. I thought he was treating me very well. Until he started to make excuses as to why we couldn’t be together. I was still in college, so I was extremely busy with classes, yet still I wanted to make time to be with him. And then I heard rumors that he was cheating and playing me. He would also lie about a lot of things. I couldn’t be with someone like that. And so ended that relationship after 4 months.
  4. It’s not a good idea to rush into getting into another relationship so soon after ending one. After ending my second, I started one with a guy I had known for a while. He opened my eyes to a lot of new experiences in dining and photography, among other things. I had a nice time with him, and he was a great escape from the stress of my final semester in university. We had a lot of fun together, but there was something missing. And as time passed, it never showed signs of appearing. In finding out his ideas for the future, I realized that we really didn’t share goals or plans. We parted ways as friends after 6 months.
  5. Politics frustrate me to no end. Yes, they are important, and it is good to be informed of what is happening in our country. But don’t get so consumed by them that you forget about humanity and those less fortunate. People can be so selfish sometimes, thinking only of how they personally can benefit from a situation. Or if it inconveniences them for the greater good, they want nothing to do with it. Don’t even get me started on the behavior of the Republican Party this election. Most of the presidential candidates had a screw loose. I think that Republicans should learn that if they make gays, hispanics, blacks, and women angry, they should realize that there is no chance they will win an election. I have no idea where old, white, Christian men got the idea where they think they are the ultimate authority on women’s bodies and rape… They have absolutely NO idea. Don’t try to control women, or you will lose. It’s that simple.
  6. It’s okay to sever ties with people and end friendships if they are a negative influence on you. I am learning to distance myself from the negative people that make themselves known in my life. I’ve cut off contact with several people and even blocked them from my Facebook page. There is no point wasting your time on someone who doesn’t like or appreciate you. If they won’t build you up or support you, then don’t keep them in your life. I feel like a lot of weight has been lifted off of my shoulders since I’ve stopped trying to please everyone. Not everyone will like me. And when I get vocal about my opinions, there will definitely be people that disagree. That’s life. You shouldn’t compromise who you are as a person in an effort to make other people happy. Don’t change for anyone other than yourself.
  7. Never give up on following your passions. There were times this year when I wondered whether I should pursue a different path other than a writer, musician, actress, model, diplomat, philanthropist, etc. I went through a period where I questioned my degree choice and felt I had to figure out something else to do with my life. But instead I just continued to pursue my passions. After graduation, I posted more frequently on this blog and continued to write. I also started uploading videos more frequently to my YouTube channel. And at this very moment, this blog has over 9,500 views overall! And my YouTube has over 17,000 views! I’m making considerable progress! I’ve also recently joined a group of friends that went to my university, and we’re going to make our own arrangements and write our own music! We have such a great sound! One of these days, the right person will see what I have to offer, and my life will change forever. So I’m going to continue doing what I love and sharing my creations with the world. I refuse to give up!
  8. It is definitely worth it to get a degree in college. All of those years spent slaving away, writing papers, taking exams, practicing in the cramped practice rooms, and learning pay off. This year I graduated magna cum laude from Webster University with a Bachelor of Arts degree in Music. I had to change my French major to a minor, so I could graduate in 4 years because I couldn’t afford to continue longer without financial aid. By the end of my senior year, I was so tired of classes and classwork that I had a senioritis much worse than in high school! But I pulled through and persevered. For now, I’m done with going to school. I won’t go back unless I know that I won’t have to take out more loans. Maybe I will go back someday and pursue psychology or acting. That would be fun.
  9. Don’t take dating seriously. When I became single in August, I decided to date and go out with guys. And so I did. Some were close to my age, and some were much older. Some had a lot of money, and some didn’t. I went out with a few guys and flirted with many online. I even had a month-long dalliance with a French guy who didn’t speak English! We wrote each other letters and would Skype, but then he sent me an obscure message saying he didn’t mean to ignore me but he didn’t think it was going to work between us and he was sorry. Oh well. It was his loss. Then on the weekend of Thanksgiving while out of town, I decided on a whim to join a dating site. I didn’t really need to join one to find someone, but I was curious to see what it would be like. And then my inbox was blown up with messages! Since I joined, I’ve been on dates with at least 10 different guys! Sometimes it felt like I was rushing into something too soon, though. Even though I wasn’t in a relationship, the guys would still try and manipulate and play with my body, mind, and heart. It became exhausting, so I decided I would take a break. Dating is something to be looked at with a sense of humor and fun. I certainly do not give my heart away so easily anymore. Someone special will find me. There is no need for me to actively go out and search for him. And the amazing thing is, I think that may have happened… Someone very special and wonderful found me a few days ago, and we will see what happens.
  10. There is always a reason to stay positive and keep hope that something positive will happen in the future. It is so easy to become depressed and want to sink into a pit of despair, but true strength occurs when you keep pressing forward. I’m determined to see at least one blessing out of everything bad that happens.
  11. No matter what size I am, no matter what I wear, no matter what color my hair is, no matter what I’m doing in my life, and no matter who I’m with, I am a beautiful, amazing, andtalented young woman with the world at my feet. I can do anything I set my mind to achieve.
  12. Life is worth living. There was a time in May right before graduation where I contemplated not continuing on in this world… I’ve gotten to this point a few times before in my life, and it is a very dark place to be. Not a lot of people knew about it, but it happened. And I chose to press forward through the darkness into a better morning. My life means so much more than the setbacks I face. And I will continue to push through with more of a determination to live than ever before. There is so much I am on this earth to accomplish! Giving up is not an option. I will survive and achieve more than I can possibly dream. My life is truly a gift. And I will make sure it’s something to continue to be proud of.

JennaStellarShots4

 

❤ Me

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My Choice

Choosing to be with only you, despite the
Hardships we will
Endure with the distance between us, feels
Right
In a way that I cannot describe.
Something about you is different in your
Heart that I don’t want to lose.

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<;3 Me

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Melting

The ice is melting
On the walls around her heart
She will embrace it

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❤ Me

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(This was written in March of 2008 for my AP Literature and Composition class.)

 

A sharp crack of a gunshot pierces the still air. Desperate kisses fail to revive the man lying dead, his blood pooling beneath him. The mortal accusation has been proven false but can never bury the newly unearthed feelings. Married lives in the nineteenth century were pieced together by a highly delicate thread, easily threatened by lack of understanding and trust from both the husband and wife. Couples brought together by their parents, usually for economic and aristocratic means, were lucky if they cared for one another. Marriages either remained formal relationships, or they progressed into lives filled with trust and love. In his short stories, French author Guy de Maupassant delves into the private lives of marriages both new and old, usually intimate episodes of what is seen behind closed doors. A.H. Wallace concludes that de Maupassant, in his prose, brings together a common message that marriages can be considered forms of servitude in which the wife has difficulty accepting the domineering treatment of the husband who deludes himself to believing he is the master with the ability to do as he pleases in their relationship (44). This particular attitude of marriage is supported in two of Guy de Maupassant’s short stories entitled “The Wedding Night” and “A Wife’s Confession.”

The beginning of a married life can be very stressful for the new couple, filled with embarrassing mishaps and uncomfortable situations. In Mary Halnon’s article on “Courtship and Marriage,” James Fenimore Cooper relates that in the nineteenth century, “perhaps a great majority of the females marry before the age of twenty, and it is not an uncommon thing to see them mothers at sixteen, seventeen, or eighteen.” Throughout Guy de Maupassant’s short story, “The Wedding Night,” a young woman relates her immersion into the new married life without any previous knowledge of what to expect on the night of the wedding. She is innocently naïve of the concept of sexual intercourse and enters the relationship without anticipating a progression from less intense gestures of affection. In this way, the wife detaches herself from her husband’s expectations and instead dwells on the life she has left behind, reluctant to let go of her old family life. That conviction is contrary to Cooper’s belief in “Courtship and Marriage,” stating that “the wife who is content with the affections of her husband, should grow a little indifferent to the rest of the world” (Halnon). In the short story, the husband believes that his new wife’s innocent avoidance of her duties to be a mockery and exerts his superiority and domination forcefully. “He abused odiously my listlessness and the weakness of my soul. I had not the force to resist him, or even the will. I would bear all, suffer all!” the young woman states (De Maupassant 437). This quote supports the standards of the time period that women should be the docile half of the married relationship, succumbing to the expectations of their husbands. Sometimes men become more attentive to their wives as time progresses which can be seen in Guy de Maupassant’s outcome of “The Wedding Night.” In this story, both people were able to reach a mutual understanding and trust in one another, overcoming the stigma of womanly complacency and overpowering masculinity.

Throughout a marriage, conflicts can arise and seriously threaten the relationship. The nineteenth century brought forth the unrest in societal expectations for the balance of power in marriages. Marie Stopes, as seen in the article, “Marriage in the Nineteenth Century,” promoted her feminist beliefs that were objected by many men of the time, saying, “Far too often, marriage puts an end to a woman’s intellectual life. Marriage can never reach its full stature until women possess as much intellectual freedom and freedom of opportunity within it as do their partners…we are still living in the shadow of the coercive and dwarfing influences of the past.” In De Maupassant’s short story, “A Wife’s Confession,” the woman particularly suffers under the extreme domineering and accusatory actions of her husband. The particular marriage in the story was not based on a foundation of love. “The love which is imposed, sanctioned by law, and blessed by the priest—can we call that love? A legal kiss is never as good as a stolen kiss,” states the young woman when considering her marital situation (De Maupassant 378). She believes that obligation is less favorable than the desire in the chase of courtship. Her husband, on the other hand, believes himself to be a supreme being, always correct and uncontested, never allowing consideration for a different perspective. In the particular time period of the short story, cuckoldry and infidelity were common issues and suspicions in society. “A Wife’s Confession” accounts how the Comte Hervé de Ker suspects his wife of being unfaithful. The reader observes from the viewpoint of the wife, innocent of the allegations and very confused and disturbed by her husband’s irrational behavior as he leads her on a hunt in the forest surrounding their chateau. A man suddenly runs into the clearing, shot and killed by the Comte in front of his horrified wife. Because of her reaction, her husband gets extremely vicious, throwing his spouse violently on top of the dead body. A painful cry reveals the truth as the wife’s maid appears, bringing her wrath upon the murderer of her lover before kissing the cold, dead lips in desperation. The jealousy and suspicion had overcome the husband, leading to a deteriorating affection and health of his marriage. In keeping thoughts from the other person, a married relationship is considerably weakened and potentially doomed. This being as a result of the husband believing himself powerful to take matters into his own hands accompanied by his wife’s obligatory obedience.

With both short stories, Guy de Maupassant incorporates a theme of the dangers of jumping to conclusions in marriages. It can lead to an embarrassing misconception as is seen in “The Wedding Night,” or it can have violent fatal consequences that forever damage a relationship such as the instance in “A Wife’s Confession.” A.H. Wallace and his assertions on the naïve service of the wife and the masterful dominance of the husband in marriages portrayed by De Maupassant in his works amplify these results. With these fictional accounts, De Maupassant sheds an illuminating light on how readers can relate to circumstances and issues while receiving insight on how to more appropriately approach similar situations.

infidelity

-Me

 

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WANTED: Someone Special

It seems like every attempt I’ve made to actively look for someone has failed.

Back in high school, I was never in a serious romantic relationship. I met my first love on Facebook, and, after 3 years, I realized he never once treated me like he loved me. I knew what it was to feel love in my heart for a man, but I myself have never experienced what real, true love feels like to be bestowed upon me by someone else. I ended things, and found myself rushing into a relationship with someone who didn’t know how to properly treat a woman either. This one was a cheating asshole, so I ended things. Next, I tried a relationship with someone else, and it just wasn’t right. So I ended things for the third time.

Then I joined the dating scene. I went out with lots and lots of different guys. All were interesting in their own ways. I joined a dating site on a whim, and apparently a girl like me is in high demand. For messaging or wanting to have sex with me, that is. I got sick of being manipulated and heart-broken every time I tried opening up to someone. This has been going on since August, and frankly, I’m tired of it all already.

I keep telling everyone and myself that I’m going to stop looking and focus on myself for now, working to be more amazing, awesome, and beautiful than I already am. And I want to do that. But I don’t want to stop going out and meeting people. I like exploring my options. It’s a nice thrill.

So this makes me seriously consider just taking my heart completely out of the equation. Ripping it from my chest and placing it ever so carefully in a impenetrable chest that can only be opened by someone who has the key. And I’m planning on locking that key to my heart in another chest that someone has to find and be able to open before he goes to actually win my heart.

I am a good person. A beautiful woman with an even more beautiful heart and mind. I’m by no means perfect, but I deserve someone just as good and beautiful and compassionate as I am.

Which leads me to the reason I’m writing this. I’ll share with you readers what I’m looking for in a man. Something more in depth than a simple dating profile would say. This may be a work in progress, and I can always write more later. But for now, here are qualities I’m looking for:

  • I would like to find someone who speaks at least one language other than English. Maybe even more than just one. I have a strong affinity to foreign languages and plan on traveling the world. It would help if my man was the same way or at least willing and eager to learn a new language. Bonus points if you speak French. That’s my second language, and I would love to be able to raise my children bilingual in French.
  • You don’t have to be a musician like I am, but a huge appreciation for music is very important. I enjoy music of all genres (heavy metal, screamo, and country not as much as the others). I sing many styles, but I’m most proficient at classical/opera and jazz. If you don’t like classical music and opera, I’m sorry, but it will be difficult if you can’t appreciate me one day performing in an opera like I dream about.
  • I love watching films of all kinds. I know most people love movies too, but if you like movies such as Lord of the Rings, The Fountain, and various foreign films we will get along more splendidly than most.
  • If you like poetry and literature and are a complete bookworm, I’m definitely interested in sharing thoughts with you! It’s my dream to one day have a library of all my books in the mansion I’ll reside in, just like Disney’s Beauty and the Beast! And well, if you’re reading my blog, you already have an appreciation for these things, so that’s great!
  • I’m looking for a man that can handle my intense lifestyle. I am always involved in creative pursuits like writing music and poetry, recording songs and videos, taking pictures, as well as being social. I would like to be with someone who is driven by high ambitions and the drive to succeed to the best of his ability. You will never be bored with me, and I certainly do not want to date a boring person. I won’t always be available, so please be patient with me if we can’t always be together.
  • Lazy men do not appeal to me. I’m a huge advocate for equal rights, and that means sharing chores and duties around the house. I will not be a housewife from the 1950’s. I will be out and about working to earn my living. If we can cooperate and share what needs to be accomplished, like cooking and cleaning, that would be wonderful. Don’t expect me to be your maid. Except if I decide to dress up as a sexy French maid…
  • Whatever religion you belong to doesn’t matter, as long as you are open to diverse beliefs. I’m a liberal in every sense of the word. I’m a Catholic, but I am a very liberal one. I do not want to be with a close-minded individual. If you’re an American Conservative, I won’t be opposed to you, but if I find out through conversation that we don’t share the same open-mindedness, we won’t be able to get along. I believe in equal rights for all. That means blacks, Muslims, homosexuals, and every other human on this good Earth. We have no right do deny the rights of others to love one another or practice their faiths.
  • I’m looking for a man that won’t mind paying the bill at the restaurant we go to for a meal. I’m looking for a man that will find joy in hugs, cuddles, and kisses as well doing exciting things in exciting places. You don’t have to be rich, but I can’t afford to pay for everything right now. I’m between jobs at the moment, but someday money will no longer be an object or obstacle.
  • If you’re taller than me, I’d prefer that too. I’m 5’7″ (about 169 cm, I think).

I think that’s enough for now. I’ll continue this later, if the motivation arises.

If you think that you satisfy all or most of these “requirements,” let me know. Except leaving me a comment on here for everyone to see might not be the best idea… Let’s see… How about you send an email to the following address? Yes. Send an email to: datejenna413@gmail.com

For now, have a merry Christmas everyone.

JennaStellarShots2

❤ Me

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65 Questions

Remember those surveys all over Myspace and Facebook? I decided to re-do one and share it!

 

1. First thing you wash in the shower? I rinse my entire body, but I start washing my hair first.

 

2. What color is your favorite hoodie? White

 

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Maybe… I don’t know.

 

4. Do you plan outfits? Yes, I do. Especially for special occaisions.

 

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? I’m ready to take a shower. And then I have the urge to clean the entire house in preparation for Christmas festivities.

 

6. What’s the closest thing to you that’s red? A silky sheet

 

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? Oh dear… I can’t remember.

 

8. Did you meet anybody new today? I haven’t ventured out of my house, so no. But I met someone new yesterday.

 

9. What are you craving right now? Food, opening Christmas presents, wanting to see The Hobbit again, and being with a certain someone

 

10. Do you floss? Every so often. I should do it more.

 

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? Green leafy vegetable

 

12. Are you emotional? HA! Very.

 

13. What was your longest relationship in High School? Hmmm… I’d say eight months. But it wasn’t really a romantic relationship, per se.

 

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? I lick my ice cream cones. 🙂

 

15. Do you like your hair? Yes! I just got it cut into new layers and fixed up my bangs! It looks nice, and I can’t wait for it to be longer! And my darker hair color gives me much more confidence.

 

16. Do you like yourself? I suppose so, yes. I’m on the long journey of learning to LOVE and RESPECT myself though. That’s more important than simply liking myself.

 

17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? That’d be something to talk about. I wouldn’t say no. And I’d ask him A LOT of questions about how he felt about things that happened in his presidency. Sure I’m not proud of what he did, but it’d be interesting to hear how he feels about it.

 

18. What is the name of your favorite playlist on your IPOD? Mix de Morceaux. I don’t really listen to playlists. I let it shuffle.

 

19. What was your major in College? Music (with a vocal performance emphasis) and French

 

20. Would you go sky diving? Sure, I’ll put it on my Bucket List

 

21. Do you like cottage cheese? It’s all right.

 

22. Have you ever met a celebrity? No, but I apparently talked on Chatroulette with one of the band members of One Direction without realizing it… I’m not crazy about them, so it wasn’t an occasion where I squealed excitedly.

 

23. Do you rent movies often? Fairly often, yes. Redbox gets a lot of business from my mom and I.

 

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you’re in? Quite a lot of shiny things!

 

25. What do you like to indulge in? Reading, writing, poetry, films, French, flirting, kissing, cuddling, intimacy, passion, singing, music

 

26. Have you ever told anyone the very worst thing you did in your life? I’m not sure.

 

27. What is your biggest dream, that you still haven’t reached? Gaining global celebrity for my talents. I want to be a well-received and famous singer, actress, model, poet, author, diplomat, philanthropist. Those dreams haven’t come completely true, but I get closer every day.

 

28. Do you like to share your favorite foods? It depends on how much of it I have.

 

29. Is there something you would really like to learn right now? How to magically speak any foreign language instantly (Arabic is next on my list).

 

30. Where was your favorite vacation, why did you love it? I studied abroad in Vienna, Austria for 9 weeks through my university, and it was amazing! I also treated myself to a plane ticket to Paris, France for a few days while I was there! It was amazing, and I can’t wait to go back to Europe!

 

31. Have you ever shot a gun? Do toy guns count?

 

32. Can you use chop sticks? I use them best with sushi

 

33. Who are you going to be with tonight? My mother and brother. It’s Christmas Eve!

 

34. Are you too forgiving? It depends on how often the person would break my trust… Sometimes I too easily forgive, and sometimes I hold a grudge for a long, long time.

 

35. Ever been in love? Once. But he never showed me that he loved me back… So while I have been in love, I haven’t felt love from anyone other than family… 😦

 

36. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow? Spending time with their families. It will be Christmas Day!

 

37. Are you Jello/ Creme Brule? I don’t quite understand the question. I’ve had both, and I like them both.

 

38. Last time you cried, why? Men are assholes who toy with my heart and manipulate me.

 

39. What was the last question you asked? Why do you want to know?

 

40. Favorite time of the year? I love Spring and Autumn.

 

41. Do you have any tattoos? Yes, one. But I have at least two more in the planning stages

 

42. Are you sarcastic? That’s a funny question.

 

43. Ever been to a broadway show on/off broadway? Oklahoma, the one time I’ve ever been to New York.

 

44. Ever walked into a wall? Of course I have. It’s one of the inevitable consequences of being a klutz.

 

45. Favorite color? Red and its many shades.

 

46. Have you ever slapped someone? Yes, when the person really did something to deserve it. I’m not a violent person, so you know it had to be for a serious reason.

 

47. Is your hair curly? No. It’s more fine and straight.

 

48. What was the last CD you bought? The Hobbit Special Edition Two-Disc Film Soundtrack!!!!!!

 

49. Do looks matter? It depends on the situation. If you’re in a professional situation, it’s most beneficial to your reputation to look professional. If you’re lounging around at home or just don’t feel like going through the long and grueling ritual of looking amazing, then who cares?

 

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater? Well, if it was cheating on a test or something, it wouldn’t matter in the long run. If someone cheated on me in a relationship, they would no longer be in said relationship with me. I don’t care if it was a one-time weakness. If I give my heart to someone, I don’t want it broken. He’d be gone. It’d take me a long time to forgive him. That’d be when I find someone better. It’s happened to me before, and I’ve moved on.

 

51. Ketchup, Mustard, or Both? Ketchup only. Mustard is blech.

 

52. Do you like your life right now? Oh, there’s so many amazing opportunities and events happening! But I’m going through some crap too… It’s a love/hate relationship. Mais c’est la vie, tant pis. 2013 better be an amazing year.

 

53. Do you sleep with the TV on? I don’t have a TV in my room.

 

54. Can you handle the truth? I’d rather have the truth than lies or fake people that hide behind false façades. If the truth hurts, I’ll get over it someday. It’s better to have it out there rather than cover it up and pretend that everything is dandy when it’s not. However, if it’s on a really sensitive issue, I’d appreciate a nice cushion with the honesty.

 

55. Do you have good vision? When I’m wearing glasses or contacts.

 

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? Yes, unfortunately. It’s more like disappointment, frustration, and annoyance than hate/dislike, though. There doesn’t need to be hate in the world. That only leads to fights and wars.

 

57. How often do you talk on the phone? Fairly frequently, but I definitely text more often.

 

58. The last person you held hands with? Ummm… I can’t quite remember… Someone I went out with?

 

59. What are you wearing? A bathrobe. I just came out of the shower…

 

60. Have you ever encountered a flying sewer Roach? I hope I never have to.

 

61. Where was your default picture taken at? In a tree.

 

62. Can you hula hoop? The last time I tried, I failed miserably. But now I have developed some nice hips and know some bellydancing moves, so who knows?

 

63. Do you have a job? I’m on the look-out for one and am applying to several locations.

 

64. What was the most recent thing you bought? The Hobbit soundtrack!!!!!

 

65. Ever contemplated artificial enhancements to your body? God gave me this body for a reason. Why would I risk my life with an invasive surgery when I could work naturally to improve my physique? I’d rather save thousands of dollars, thank you.

But after I finish having children, I’ll get a boob job.

Jenna Pretty

❤ Me

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(I wrote this in 2010, for my French class, La Francophonie, which explored the lives of children growing up in Francophone cultures and how it affected their culture. I really enjoyed this particular novel about a little Creole boy.)

 

L’enfance est une partie de la vie très importante pour les aspects de grandissement dans le futur. Pendant les premières années, les enfants sont ouverts aux façons qui partagent comment on survie dans leur communauté. C’est un temps magique pour apprendre. Ils regardent les enfants plus âgés et les adultes avec fascination pour des idées et les imitent dans leurs propres vies. La place qui donne peut-être la plus d’influence est l’école. Les professeurs remplacent les parents, en prenant charge des enfants pour ouvrir un nouveau monde des maths,  de la littérature, d’histoire, et une grande variété des autres sujets. Mais l’environnement d’apprentissage n’est pas toujours heureux et positif. Les autres élèves pourraient être malins ou méchants. Les professeurs et directeurs de l’école possiblement pourraient être injustes ou décourageants. Et le système d’éducation dans la région pourrait être nonchalant ou corrompu. L’expérience dont l’auteur Patrick Chamoiseau écrit dans son livre, Une Enfance Créole II : Chemin-d’école, donne un perspectif d’un petit négrillon pendant ses aventures dans le monde d’éducation et les conséquences sur les enfants de la domination hiérarchique.

L’école créole dont le négrillon vient n’est pas influencée juste par la culture et l’établissement martiniquais mais aussi l’institution française. Même que le pays européen est loin de l’île, il impose des règles et régulations sur l’éducation. Une expérience pensée comme traumatique pour le négrillon et les autres élèves est la visite médicale. Chamoiseau écrit,

On se retrouvait dans la cour, buste nu, pieds nus, le pantalon déboutonné prêt à être descendu, en file d’attente devant un habitacle transformé en infirmerie. Là, un docteur menait une enquête ennuyée sure nos scolioses, nos myopies, nos caries, nos appendicites cachées, et – merde-aux-petits-tortues-maigres !… – nous baissait le pantalon pour tâter les silencieux ravages d’une hernie gobeuse de graines ou, pire, d’un phimosis étrangleur de coco… Le négrillon, sans même en avoir conscience, serrait cette partie de lui-même…Montrer son coco renvoyait tout le monde aux fragilités invincibles de l’enfance (154-155).

 

La procédure rend lui peu à son aise. Il sent, dans un sens, violé par des étrangers qui ne pense pas aux sentiments des jeunes. Oui, c’est important d’être examiné par des docteurs, mais la manière qu’ils ont fait leur obligation instiguée par la France était détachée des enfants. Le négrillon a la plus peur de la piqûre.

Oh ! l’éther… ! Une vieille rumeur l’annonçait mais on la rangeait dans les baboules légendaire. Une méchanceté savante en donnait le détail, mais elle n’atteignait pas les rives du possible. Des anciens combattants qui en avaient été victimes la décrivaient au négrillon en termes obituaires…Il te fait entrer. Occupé à caresser une grosse seringue. Ne prend même pas ta hauteur. Se met à badiner avec une grosse aiguille, bidime comme une barre-à-minr, longue comme un filao. Enclenche son aiguille. Aspire un poison dedans, se met à grigner pour toi, te fait tourner le dos, te mettre droit. Ton pipi à bouillir. Ton boyeau à chauffer cacarelle. Derrière, il prend son petit temps. Sirote la tremblade de tes épaules. Te dit : relâche le dos, ne te crispe pas. Attend encore pour bien te tuer…Tu es déjà mort, c’est mourir que tu veux mourir. Et puis soudain… il te plante son aiguille dans l’os le plus gentil de ton dos en gloussant de gaieté. Et quand il pousse, tu as fini de battre (156).

 

Le style d’écriture que l’auteur utilisent est très vivide et donne le lecteur une vue dramatique à la réaction du négrillon. Les élèves plus âgés le font plus anxieux pour qu’est-ce qui se passera. Mais les vaccins aident les enfants dans leurs vies futures, les protégeant des maladies. La façon que les jeunes les reçoit pourrait être pas si épouvantable. Les écoliers savent aussi comment utiliser les évènements médicaux pour leurs avantages.

La piqûre autorisait des maladies stratégiques. Certains regagnaient la classe en succombant sous le poids d’une épaule raide. Certains, paralysés d’une moitié du corps, se rendaient imperméables au monde comme des empereurs trahis. Certains transformaient le pupitre en oreiller, abandonnant le Maître à ses enseignements. Certains, devenus allergiques à l’école, gémissaient qu’on appelle leur manman au chevet d’une agonie tactique. Certains disparaissaient durant près d’une semaine : leur manman témoignait d’un chagrin qui les brisait au lit. Les vaccins aussi autorisaient des fuites semblables. On se retrouvait avec l’épaule gratteuse, et il fallait gratter. Au bout d’une fièvre transformée en spectacle, on développait de gros bobos suintants dont les stigmates se voient encore, et qui autorisaient l’élu à venir ou à ne pas venir, à venir puis à repartir, finale, le temps d’une croûte cicatrisante, à ne plus être soumis aux captivités scolaires. Le négrillon prolongea chaque piqûre, chaque vaccin, en syndromes infinis (159).

 

C’est intéressant que les élèves apprennent rapidement comment répondre effectivement aux situations qui les affectent. Les adultes dans ce livre, les parents, les professeurs, même le système de gouvernance dans l’éducation imposé par la France ne peuvent pas retenir l’intelligence et la force des jeunes. Chamoiseau donne les situations qui reflet la réalité dans le monde d’éducation, particulièrement avec les situations médicaux et de santé.

Un personnage autoritaire dans la vie scolaire du négrillon est le Directeur. Il est un homme presque fantomatique dans l’école qui apparaître notamment quand il y a des problèmes sérieux ou quand il veut imposer sa domination sur les autres au-dessous de lui. L’auteur dit :

Monsieur le Directeur ne parlait aux enfants que pour réprimander. Il n’avait pas de nouvelles à prendre ni de bonjour à donner. Il ne regardait personne, mais savait foudroyer l’insolent qui oubliait de le saluer, ou le petit-sauvage dont la frénésie ignorait son approche. Avec lui, le négrillon prit une des mesures du piège dans lequel il s’était fourré (64).

 

Le Directeur a une froideur mystérieuse que personne ne peut prédire. Quelque fois il ignore tout, mais les autres fois, il devient fâché et fait éclater des mots de châtiment aux élèves sans soupçons. Quand il entend les étudiants, il vient et exclame, « Qu’est-ce que j’entends, on parle créole ?! Qu’est-ce que je vois, des gestes-macaques ?! Où donc vous croyez-vous ici ?! Parlez correctement et comportez-vous de manière civilisée… » Le narrateur répond aux lecteurs, « L’apparition de Monsieur le Directeur suscita autour de sa personne des pétrifications de cimetières » (65). Un autre occasion, le négrillon fait une bêtise et est envoyé au bureau du Directeur. Sa peur avec l’expérience est écrite dramatiquement.

[Le nègrillon] savait que le bureau de Monsieur le Directeur se situait au dernier étage…Il emprunta donc les marches vides dans un état dont il vaut mieux ne pas parler…Chaque marche lui chargeait les épaules. Quand l’escalier du deuxième étage s’acheva, il se sentit mal et eut envie de redescendre-disparaître quelque part en courant…comme animal blessé, il se mit à attendre. En lui, l’impatience avait disparu, il goûta même ce suspens du temps dans une immobilité cataleptique… Mais, à mesure qu’il redescendait l’escalier, s’éloignait du bureau de Monsieur le Directeur, la brûlure, la honte, la misère l’envahirent de partout. Il se sentait brisé définitif, banni du monde des vivants et voué à traîner ses stupeurs dans un labyrinthe d’escaliers vides…il n’était plus qu’une loque que le Maître renvoya à sa place sans une once de compassion (102-103).

 

Le petit négrillon sent vaincu et défait après son rencontre avec le Directeur, seul dans une place où il est perdu. Chamoiseau a un style qui est frappant dans ses descriptions des pensées du narrateur. Il exagère souvent, mais au même temps, les enfants vivent dans le monde de leur imagination et voient les gens et des choses dans les perspectives différents que les adultes. C’est triste quand la personne d’haut-autorité dans un système d’éducation n’est pas une figure qui encourage les étudiants.  La peur peut être une méthode d’apprentissage dans l’école, mais la domination par l’effroi n’est pas une façon qui aide les enfants de grandir dans un environnement scolaire positif. C’est plus facile d’apprendre sans anxiété que de vivre avec l’inquiétude.

La personne la plus proche du négrillon dans l’école est le Maître, son professeur. Il est regardé comme un dieu, l’homme qui contrôle tous les aspects dans l’éducation de ses élèves.

Ils apprirent dans las sidération que, capitaine à bord de droit divin, le Maître était le seul à régenter les actes. Se mettre debout…Ouvrir sa bouche…Quand il parlait, les regards et les oreilles devaient se nouer sur lui-même…Quand la classe avait commencé nul n’avait plus rien à dire ni à soi-même, ni au diable, ni au Bondieu et surtout pas à son voisin. Savoirr et bacchanale ne font pas bon ménage, messieurs !…Orrdre ! Discipline ! Rrespect ! (59).

 

Sa méthode a les accentuations sur obéissance, discipline, et domination sur les jeunes.  Souvent il réagit aux réponses de ses étudiants avec une manière fâchée et impatiente. Il devient irrité particulièrement quand les enfants parlent en créole et pas français. Ses éruptions sont typiquement très exagérées.

Le Maître eut un hoquet. Une agonie déforma son visage. Ses yeux devinrent des duretés étincelantes. Morbleu !…Comment voulez-vous donc avancer surr la voie du savoirr avec un tel langage ! Ce patois de petit-nègrre vous engoue l’entendement de sa bouillie visqueuse !… Son indignation était totale. Sa compassion aussi. Il marchait à pas de rage, cherchant sur les figures défaites ceux qui avaient hurlé cette énormité…Il nous scrutait en circulant sans cesse de la colère à la pitié. Et le son de sa voix contenait un tremblement brisé. Il semblait à présent réfugié sur une rive lointaine et, de là, évaluer notre perdition dans un vieux marigot (85-86).

 

 

Il est difficile de contribuer dans une classe quand le professeur regarde son position comme un trône, de se voit comme un dictateur bienveillant. On n’apprend pas si effectivement quand le professeur parle pour lui-même, pas pour ses étudiants. La classe devient timide et ne participe pas beaucoup dans les discussions, sauf pour les préférés du Maître qui parle français mieux que la plupart des élèves.

Le Maître avait ses préférés…disposaient d’une peau claire…Ils parlaient déjà un petit-français huilé qui leur provenait d’un séjour ailleurs ou de parents déjà en lutte ancienne avec cette langue. Ils étaient loin de ce que le Maître appelait des manières-de-vieux-nègre, manières qui en fait relevait de la culture créole. Peau noire, traits négroïdes (qui pourtant était les siens) versaient pour lui, en conscience ou non, dans la même tourbe barbare que l’univers créole, et les deux s’associaient, l’un impliquant l’autre… Le Maître perdait de sa sévérité, ne tombait pas en rage quand une bêtise leur servait de réponse. Il les reprenait avec une patience minérale car il ne s’agissait que d’une simple inattention…il n’avait jamais de mot blessants… (111).

 

Le français, la littérature, et la poésie ont des places particulièrement importantes dans la vie du Maître. Quand il parle d’eux, c’est comme on voit un autre côté de lui. Le petit négrillon est fasciné avec le  Maître et absorbe son amour pour les mots écrits.

Le négrillon aimait entendre le Maître leur lire de petits poèmes magiques…Il prenait plaisir à sucer lettre après lettre le français déployé sur des scènes bucoliques. Dévoué au concert des syllabes, il les détachait de manière emphatique, les rythmait selon une loi intime. Sa voix se creusait aux virgules. Sur les points, elle s’immobilisait tandis que son regard sévère nous contrôlait. Il faisait du point-virgule une culbute de silence. Le point d’exclamation aspirait, pour les rompre, des gonflades de sa voix. Une mise entre parenthèses le déplaçait de deux pas sur la gauche, en retrait, avec le ton des apartés. Les dialogues lui autorisaient, entre les pincettes de ses dents, des accents familiers…Paragraphe achevé, il baissait la paupière pour suivre en lui-même le cheminement religieux de ce qu’il venait de lire (160-161).

 

Chamoiseau utilise des beaux mots qui sont vivides et clairs. Ils encouragent le lecteur d’être fasciné avec la littérature aussi. On voit une partie de l’esprit du Maître qui est très différent qu’il partage avec ses élèves la plupart du temps. C’est plus vulnérable et mouvant. Mais pourquoi qu’il n’est pas heureux et amoureux avec tous les aspects de ses sujets qu’il enseigne ? Ses étudiants, spécifiquement le négrillon, l’aime bien quand il lit à haut-voix. Mais le Maître se cache derrière quelque chose plus compliquée que l’auteur écrit dans le livre. On peut juste créer des raisons possibles et personnelles de ses intentions. La profession du Maître est peut-être le plus difficile dans le monde d’éducation, avec toutes les responsabilités qu’elle a en enseignant les élèves. Le pays qui impose les règles sur l’institution et aussi le Directeur de l’école n’ont pas un effet si profond qui dure comme un professeur avec ses étudiants.

Le système d’éducation n’est pas un établissement parfait. Il y a quelque fois des faiblesses dans la structure et la corruption pendant les membres d’autorité qui abusent leurs droits et pouvoirs. Et c’est souvent les enfants qui souffrent par les mains des adultes. Mais tous les systèmes ne sont pas similaires. Elles partagent l’idéologie essentielle d’apprentissage des élèves. Les façons d’enseignement sont différentes. La vraie réalité de l’efficacité de l’école existe dans les enfants et comment ils vivent dans le futur avec ce que l’éducation qu’ils reçoivent.

creoleboy

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