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Archive for December, 2012

Twelve Lessons of 2012

In honor of it being the last day of the year, I thought I would share a few lessons I’ve experienced and learned throughout 2012.

 

  1. Getting into an exercise routine is actually fun and something to be excited about! I started up the P90X workout in my family room and survived Phase One! Within the first 5 days I could notice a positive change! It felt good to be making a committed effort to taking better care of my body. I put it on hold near the end of the year and didn’t finish it, but I definitely have the motivation to start it back up again and see where I am after completing Phases Two and Three. It will be exciting!
  2. Life is precious. This year, my brother almost died twice. He was diagnosed with kidney failure around Valentine’s Day and now undergoes dialysis three nights a week for about three and a half hours a sitting to clean his blood. Then in October he had an accident and fractured his jaw in three places and needed facial reconstructive surgery. His jaw had to be wired shut for a while too. Now he is doing a lot better, and his attitude on life has changed for the better. It’s a miracle he’s still standing here today. We have our fights and differences, but I’m definitely glad he’s alive and proud to call him my brother.
  3. If you spend more time crying and heartbroken during a relationship than out of one, then you should leave that situation. I rebounded into another relationship a little too soon after my first (and terrible) break-up with a boyfriend that I had been with for 2.5 years. My second one started nicely. We made our connection first in person rather than online, which was a nice change of pace. I thought he was treating me very well. Until he started to make excuses as to why we couldn’t be together. I was still in college, so I was extremely busy with classes, yet still I wanted to make time to be with him. And then I heard rumors that he was cheating and playing me. He would also lie about a lot of things. I couldn’t be with someone like that. And so ended that relationship after 4 months.
  4. It’s not a good idea to rush into getting into another relationship so soon after ending one. After ending my second, I started one with a guy I had known for a while. He opened my eyes to a lot of new experiences in dining and photography, among other things. I had a nice time with him, and he was a great escape from the stress of my final semester in university. We had a lot of fun together, but there was something missing. And as time passed, it never showed signs of appearing. In finding out his ideas for the future, I realized that we really didn’t share goals or plans. We parted ways as friends after 6 months.
  5. Politics frustrate me to no end. Yes, they are important, and it is good to be informed of what is happening in our country. But don’t get so consumed by them that you forget about humanity and those less fortunate. People can be so selfish sometimes, thinking only of how they personally can benefit from a situation. Or if it inconveniences them for the greater good, they want nothing to do with it. Don’t even get me started on the behavior of the Republican Party this election. Most of the presidential candidates had a screw loose. I think that Republicans should learn that if they make gays, hispanics, blacks, and women angry, they should realize that there is no chance they will win an election. I have no idea where old, white, Christian men got the idea where they think they are the ultimate authority on women’s bodies and rape… They have absolutely NO idea. Don’t try to control women, or you will lose. It’s that simple.
  6. It’s okay to sever ties with people and end friendships if they are a negative influence on you. I am learning to distance myself from the negative people that make themselves known in my life. I’ve cut off contact with several people and even blocked them from my Facebook page. There is no point wasting your time on someone who doesn’t like or appreciate you. If they won’t build you up or support you, then don’t keep them in your life. I feel like a lot of weight has been lifted off of my shoulders since I’ve stopped trying to please everyone. Not everyone will like me. And when I get vocal about my opinions, there will definitely be people that disagree. That’s life. You shouldn’t compromise who you are as a person in an effort to make other people happy. Don’t change for anyone other than yourself.
  7. Never give up on following your passions. There were times this year when I wondered whether I should pursue a different path other than a writer, musician, actress, model, diplomat, philanthropist, etc. I went through a period where I questioned my degree choice and felt I had to figure out something else to do with my life. But instead I just continued to pursue my passions. After graduation, I posted more frequently on this blog and continued to write. I also started uploading videos more frequently to my YouTube channel. And at this very moment, this blog has over 9,500 views overall! And my YouTube has over 17,000 views! I’m making considerable progress! I’ve also recently joined a group of friends that went to my university, and we’re going to make our own arrangements and write our own music! We have such a great sound! One of these days, the right person will see what I have to offer, and my life will change forever. So I’m going to continue doing what I love and sharing my creations with the world. I refuse to give up!
  8. It is definitely worth it to get a degree in college. All of those years spent slaving away, writing papers, taking exams, practicing in the cramped practice rooms, and learning pay off. This year I graduated magna cum laude from Webster University with a Bachelor of Arts degree in Music. I had to change my French major to a minor, so I could graduate in 4 years because I couldn’t afford to continue longer without financial aid. By the end of my senior year, I was so tired of classes and classwork that I had a senioritis much worse than in high school! But I pulled through and persevered. For now, I’m done with going to school. I won’t go back unless I know that I won’t have to take out more loans. Maybe I will go back someday and pursue psychology or acting. That would be fun.
  9. Don’t take dating seriously. When I became single in August, I decided to date and go out with guys. And so I did. Some were close to my age, and some were much older. Some had a lot of money, and some didn’t. I went out with a few guys and flirted with many online. I even had a month-long dalliance with a French guy who didn’t speak English! We wrote each other letters and would Skype, but then he sent me an obscure message saying he didn’t mean to ignore me but he didn’t think it was going to work between us and he was sorry. Oh well. It was his loss. Then on the weekend of Thanksgiving while out of town, I decided on a whim to join a dating site. I didn’t really need to join one to find someone, but I was curious to see what it would be like. And then my inbox was blown up with messages! Since I joined, I’ve been on dates with at least 10 different guys! Sometimes it felt like I was rushing into something too soon, though. Even though I wasn’t in a relationship, the guys would still try and manipulate and play with my body, mind, and heart. It became exhausting, so I decided I would take a break. Dating is something to be looked at with a sense of humor and fun. I certainly do not give my heart away so easily anymore. Someone special will find me. There is no need for me to actively go out and search for him. And the amazing thing is, I think that may have happened… Someone very special and wonderful found me a few days ago, and we will see what happens.
  10. There is always a reason to stay positive and keep hope that something positive will happen in the future. It is so easy to become depressed and want to sink into a pit of despair, but true strength occurs when you keep pressing forward. I’m determined to see at least one blessing out of everything bad that happens.
  11. No matter what size I am, no matter what I wear, no matter what color my hair is, no matter what I’m doing in my life, and no matter who I’m with, I am a beautiful, amazing, andtalented young woman with the world at my feet. I can do anything I set my mind to achieve.
  12. Life is worth living. There was a time in May right before graduation where I contemplated not continuing on in this world… I’ve gotten to this point a few times before in my life, and it is a very dark place to be. Not a lot of people knew about it, but it happened. And I chose to press forward through the darkness into a better morning. My life means so much more than the setbacks I face. And I will continue to push through with more of a determination to live than ever before. There is so much I am on this earth to accomplish! Giving up is not an option. I will survive and achieve more than I can possibly dream. My life is truly a gift. And I will make sure it’s something to continue to be proud of.

JennaStellarShots4

 

❤ Me

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My Choice

Choosing to be with only you, despite the
Hardships we will
Endure with the distance between us, feels
Right
In a way that I cannot describe.
Something about you is different in your
Heart that I don’t want to lose.

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<;3 Me

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Melting

The ice is melting
On the walls around her heart
She will embrace it

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❤ Me

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(This was written in March of 2008 for my AP Literature and Composition class.)

 

A sharp crack of a gunshot pierces the still air. Desperate kisses fail to revive the man lying dead, his blood pooling beneath him. The mortal accusation has been proven false but can never bury the newly unearthed feelings. Married lives in the nineteenth century were pieced together by a highly delicate thread, easily threatened by lack of understanding and trust from both the husband and wife. Couples brought together by their parents, usually for economic and aristocratic means, were lucky if they cared for one another. Marriages either remained formal relationships, or they progressed into lives filled with trust and love. In his short stories, French author Guy de Maupassant delves into the private lives of marriages both new and old, usually intimate episodes of what is seen behind closed doors. A.H. Wallace concludes that de Maupassant, in his prose, brings together a common message that marriages can be considered forms of servitude in which the wife has difficulty accepting the domineering treatment of the husband who deludes himself to believing he is the master with the ability to do as he pleases in their relationship (44). This particular attitude of marriage is supported in two of Guy de Maupassant’s short stories entitled “The Wedding Night” and “A Wife’s Confession.”

The beginning of a married life can be very stressful for the new couple, filled with embarrassing mishaps and uncomfortable situations. In Mary Halnon’s article on “Courtship and Marriage,” James Fenimore Cooper relates that in the nineteenth century, “perhaps a great majority of the females marry before the age of twenty, and it is not an uncommon thing to see them mothers at sixteen, seventeen, or eighteen.” Throughout Guy de Maupassant’s short story, “The Wedding Night,” a young woman relates her immersion into the new married life without any previous knowledge of what to expect on the night of the wedding. She is innocently naïve of the concept of sexual intercourse and enters the relationship without anticipating a progression from less intense gestures of affection. In this way, the wife detaches herself from her husband’s expectations and instead dwells on the life she has left behind, reluctant to let go of her old family life. That conviction is contrary to Cooper’s belief in “Courtship and Marriage,” stating that “the wife who is content with the affections of her husband, should grow a little indifferent to the rest of the world” (Halnon). In the short story, the husband believes that his new wife’s innocent avoidance of her duties to be a mockery and exerts his superiority and domination forcefully. “He abused odiously my listlessness and the weakness of my soul. I had not the force to resist him, or even the will. I would bear all, suffer all!” the young woman states (De Maupassant 437). This quote supports the standards of the time period that women should be the docile half of the married relationship, succumbing to the expectations of their husbands. Sometimes men become more attentive to their wives as time progresses which can be seen in Guy de Maupassant’s outcome of “The Wedding Night.” In this story, both people were able to reach a mutual understanding and trust in one another, overcoming the stigma of womanly complacency and overpowering masculinity.

Throughout a marriage, conflicts can arise and seriously threaten the relationship. The nineteenth century brought forth the unrest in societal expectations for the balance of power in marriages. Marie Stopes, as seen in the article, “Marriage in the Nineteenth Century,” promoted her feminist beliefs that were objected by many men of the time, saying, “Far too often, marriage puts an end to a woman’s intellectual life. Marriage can never reach its full stature until women possess as much intellectual freedom and freedom of opportunity within it as do their partners…we are still living in the shadow of the coercive and dwarfing influences of the past.” In De Maupassant’s short story, “A Wife’s Confession,” the woman particularly suffers under the extreme domineering and accusatory actions of her husband. The particular marriage in the story was not based on a foundation of love. “The love which is imposed, sanctioned by law, and blessed by the priest—can we call that love? A legal kiss is never as good as a stolen kiss,” states the young woman when considering her marital situation (De Maupassant 378). She believes that obligation is less favorable than the desire in the chase of courtship. Her husband, on the other hand, believes himself to be a supreme being, always correct and uncontested, never allowing consideration for a different perspective. In the particular time period of the short story, cuckoldry and infidelity were common issues and suspicions in society. “A Wife’s Confession” accounts how the Comte Hervé de Ker suspects his wife of being unfaithful. The reader observes from the viewpoint of the wife, innocent of the allegations and very confused and disturbed by her husband’s irrational behavior as he leads her on a hunt in the forest surrounding their chateau. A man suddenly runs into the clearing, shot and killed by the Comte in front of his horrified wife. Because of her reaction, her husband gets extremely vicious, throwing his spouse violently on top of the dead body. A painful cry reveals the truth as the wife’s maid appears, bringing her wrath upon the murderer of her lover before kissing the cold, dead lips in desperation. The jealousy and suspicion had overcome the husband, leading to a deteriorating affection and health of his marriage. In keeping thoughts from the other person, a married relationship is considerably weakened and potentially doomed. This being as a result of the husband believing himself powerful to take matters into his own hands accompanied by his wife’s obligatory obedience.

With both short stories, Guy de Maupassant incorporates a theme of the dangers of jumping to conclusions in marriages. It can lead to an embarrassing misconception as is seen in “The Wedding Night,” or it can have violent fatal consequences that forever damage a relationship such as the instance in “A Wife’s Confession.” A.H. Wallace and his assertions on the naïve service of the wife and the masterful dominance of the husband in marriages portrayed by De Maupassant in his works amplify these results. With these fictional accounts, De Maupassant sheds an illuminating light on how readers can relate to circumstances and issues while receiving insight on how to more appropriately approach similar situations.

infidelity

-Me

 

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WANTED: Someone Special

It seems like every attempt I’ve made to actively look for someone has failed.

Back in high school, I was never in a serious romantic relationship. I met my first love on Facebook, and, after 3 years, I realized he never once treated me like he loved me. I knew what it was to feel love in my heart for a man, but I myself have never experienced what real, true love feels like to be bestowed upon me by someone else. I ended things, and found myself rushing into a relationship with someone who didn’t know how to properly treat a woman either. This one was a cheating asshole, so I ended things. Next, I tried a relationship with someone else, and it just wasn’t right. So I ended things for the third time.

Then I joined the dating scene. I went out with lots and lots of different guys. All were interesting in their own ways. I joined a dating site on a whim, and apparently a girl like me is in high demand. For messaging or wanting to have sex with me, that is. I got sick of being manipulated and heart-broken every time I tried opening up to someone. This has been going on since August, and frankly, I’m tired of it all already.

I keep telling everyone and myself that I’m going to stop looking and focus on myself for now, working to be more amazing, awesome, and beautiful than I already am. And I want to do that. But I don’t want to stop going out and meeting people. I like exploring my options. It’s a nice thrill.

So this makes me seriously consider just taking my heart completely out of the equation. Ripping it from my chest and placing it ever so carefully in a impenetrable chest that can only be opened by someone who has the key. And I’m planning on locking that key to my heart in another chest that someone has to find and be able to open before he goes to actually win my heart.

I am a good person. A beautiful woman with an even more beautiful heart and mind. I’m by no means perfect, but I deserve someone just as good and beautiful and compassionate as I am.

Which leads me to the reason I’m writing this. I’ll share with you readers what I’m looking for in a man. Something more in depth than a simple dating profile would say. This may be a work in progress, and I can always write more later. But for now, here are qualities I’m looking for:

  • I would like to find someone who speaks at least one language other than English. Maybe even more than just one. I have a strong affinity to foreign languages and plan on traveling the world. It would help if my man was the same way or at least willing and eager to learn a new language. Bonus points if you speak French. That’s my second language, and I would love to be able to raise my children bilingual in French.
  • You don’t have to be a musician like I am, but a huge appreciation for music is very important. I enjoy music of all genres (heavy metal, screamo, and country not as much as the others). I sing many styles, but I’m most proficient at classical/opera and jazz. If you don’t like classical music and opera, I’m sorry, but it will be difficult if you can’t appreciate me one day performing in an opera like I dream about.
  • I love watching films of all kinds. I know most people love movies too, but if you like movies such as Lord of the Rings, The Fountain, and various foreign films we will get along more splendidly than most.
  • If you like poetry and literature and are a complete bookworm, I’m definitely interested in sharing thoughts with you! It’s my dream to one day have a library of all my books in the mansion I’ll reside in, just like Disney’s Beauty and the Beast! And well, if you’re reading my blog, you already have an appreciation for these things, so that’s great!
  • I’m looking for a man that can handle my intense lifestyle. I am always involved in creative pursuits like writing music and poetry, recording songs and videos, taking pictures, as well as being social. I would like to be with someone who is driven by high ambitions and the drive to succeed to the best of his ability. You will never be bored with me, and I certainly do not want to date a boring person. I won’t always be available, so please be patient with me if we can’t always be together.
  • Lazy men do not appeal to me. I’m a huge advocate for equal rights, and that means sharing chores and duties around the house. I will not be a housewife from the 1950’s. I will be out and about working to earn my living. If we can cooperate and share what needs to be accomplished, like cooking and cleaning, that would be wonderful. Don’t expect me to be your maid. Except if I decide to dress up as a sexy French maid…
  • Whatever religion you belong to doesn’t matter, as long as you are open to diverse beliefs. I’m a liberal in every sense of the word. I’m a Catholic, but I am a very liberal one. I do not want to be with a close-minded individual. If you’re an American Conservative, I won’t be opposed to you, but if I find out through conversation that we don’t share the same open-mindedness, we won’t be able to get along. I believe in equal rights for all. That means blacks, Muslims, homosexuals, and every other human on this good Earth. We have no right do deny the rights of others to love one another or practice their faiths.
  • I’m looking for a man that won’t mind paying the bill at the restaurant we go to for a meal. I’m looking for a man that will find joy in hugs, cuddles, and kisses as well doing exciting things in exciting places. You don’t have to be rich, but I can’t afford to pay for everything right now. I’m between jobs at the moment, but someday money will no longer be an object or obstacle.
  • If you’re taller than me, I’d prefer that too. I’m 5’7″ (about 169 cm, I think).

I think that’s enough for now. I’ll continue this later, if the motivation arises.

If you think that you satisfy all or most of these “requirements,” let me know. Except leaving me a comment on here for everyone to see might not be the best idea… Let’s see… How about you send an email to the following address? Yes. Send an email to: datejenna413@gmail.com

For now, have a merry Christmas everyone.

JennaStellarShots2

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