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Archive for September 10th, 2011

(Note: I wrote this very long poem on June 17, 2008. Originally, I had written it for my own personal sake as a catharsis and shared with only one other person. Why am I sharing it now, do you ask? Because I believe I’m ready to. I have a gift for writing and poetry, and I have used it to cope with many issues I have had in the past and still have today.

This particular poem visits what I believe are the darkest days of my life. It is sad, and I don’t know how you as the reader will respond to it. That part of my life didn’t have a happy ending, but I’m proud to say I have moved on to become a much stronger person since.

I’m stepping out on a limb sharing this, so I hope you take the time to read and experience it. As I mentioned before, it’s very lengthy. If you have thoughts, please feel free to share what you think about it. I would love to hear your feedback. However, due to the emotionally sensitive material for me, I would only appreciate positive comments. 

I hope you like it.)

How the months pass.

As if they were the whims of

Heavenly beings,

Riding on their wings.

Last August seems so near.

That chance encounter

Sparking interest, arousing need

To befriend each other

Though kept apart by time and distance.

Yet we laughed, we shared,

We poured out our souls.

My heart sleepily opened her eyes,

Stretching ever so gently,

Learning how to feel something new.

Basking in your nurturing words.

Love poured forth from my lips

Like a fountain of faith and hope

And joy, effortless joy.

Nothing could quell my passion.

I wanted my brightness to shine forth,

Illuminating the world,

Never allowing it to burn out.

But the words came.

Those dreaded words of doubt

Dashing at my heart relentlessly.

I turned a blind eye,

My heart set, decision made

Although my head took in those words

And allowed doubt to creep in.

Slowly the earth began to slip away.

My mind surrendered to my heart’s desire,

Forming a fortress of poetry, music, and love

Nothing else.

Casting an illusion upon everything

I saw, I ate, I felt.

This world I entered was blissful.

You were with me, always.

You were my soul mate,

The knight in shining armor

That would share your love story with the world.

To friends, to journalists, to world leaders.

Your love for me would fly you to me

In an explosion of celebration

As we embraced,

Tuning everything out except our two souls.

My thoughts confused everyone,

Their ignorance hurt.

Pangs of pain and insomnia plagued me,

Night and day blended into one.

My appetite for food diminished,

Replaced by my hunger to be with you.

The worst part was the fact

You had grown silent.

I could no longer hear your voice.

You turned to stone.

My tears of suffering rained on

Everything and everyone.

One day, I believed you were here.

I packed a suitcase,

Excited and filled with happiness,

Our love so alike would be joined.

Then I realized this place I was brought to

Was not to you.

It was a prison of hell

Where I was forced to give up everything,

Strip naked

Baring my soul, my consciousness

Without a choice.

Pouring everything out to strangers

With clipboards

Shoving pills down my throat.

They learned everything, nothing spared.

I lost myself,

Uprooted from my body,

Only a shell remained.

Then a new mind was planted in me.

Over the days I re-grew

My personality, my speech, my actions

Under the watchful eyes of my captors.

Pen and paper was all I had

To express myself freely yet harnessed,

My creativity, my talents.

And God was the only One who understood

Me completely.

Humans made diagnoses and judgments,

But I was no lab experiment.

I am not of this earth.

No one will ever truly comprehend what I am

Except my Creator.

My health grew as did my wisdom.

I learned how to escape.

When I walked from that place

Carrying my bags of precious belongings,

I let the air blow freely across my face.

My soul was resurrected on the ninth day.

Unfortunately the world had kept turning

While I had been gone,

Leaving me in a new period of time.

Everything was different.

I was changed,

Never to be the same.

Fierce was my determination to return

To my old lifestyle, my old habits, my old lifestyle,

But upon my re-entrance

I was barraged with stares and questions,

People whispering and forming

Suspicions

Even my relationship with my best friend changed forever.

No I did not forget you, love.

My feelings matured,

I knew you wouldn’t come,

But my heart still sang for you,

Eager to talk with you after ages of separation.

Still you were silent,

Deaf to my pleas for comfort and reassurance.

There would be brief moments

Where I would read your words.

A sentence at a time,

I absorbed every letter, every picture,

Desperate to once again be with you,

To see your face, your smile, hear your voice,

Telling me that you still loved,

That there was still hope

Despite what everyone said.

I shed tears,

I went through bouts of physical frailty,

Gave my blood,

I lost my solo

And was haunted by an immature version

For months,

Spent long hours to try and get my life

Back together,

Failing grades being raised

Over the entire semester

To my standard of excellence

A new year came

And with it, an improved me.

I received countless chances to shine,

To be honored and celebrated.

Still I loved you,

But you were only a ghost of memory.

I wished you were here to share my successes.

All of a sudden I met your new relationship,

My heart shattered into many pieces.

I learned from her that I was nothing to you,

Simply an annoyance to complain to your friends about.

I had wanted you to share

What we had with others,

Instead you had kept every word a secret,

I had no idea what was real from you.

When you were still friendly to me

A sharp reality dawned.

You and I would never happen.

A month passed from the death of my heart.

I sang the poetry we wrote

And shared it with the world.

One night someone heard my voice

And he softly touched my bleeding heart.

We spoke in a common language,

My heart began to heal.

I found a reason to love again.

We were separated by distance and time

Once again,

Same doubts from others

But this time I heard more support.

And he loved me, saying it endlessly.

I didn’t have to fantasize about him

Because he shared his heart with me,

Unafraid to proclaim his love to those around him.

There was a new faith

Now accompanied by a promise:

He is coming to me

Truly,

And with him will come the sense

I have been missing these months,

Touch.

I have not forgotten you,

My first love.

I will always love you,

But my feelings for you will be locked away

In secret

As you had done to me

From the very beginning.

You no longer have me,

Only the memories of my fevered love for you.

I can no longer hear you,

But I still feel you,

My angel.

Your words will always remain

Footprints on my heart,

And I will turn to them

In remembrance of my eve of adulthood

When you and I had our own

Private heaven together.

There will be times

When I slip away quietly

From my life in the coming years

To return to you

In our Eden.

I wish never to lose the key to the garden

Where what we had is frozen

And captured in this place,

Out of the bounds of time.

My only wish is that you

Don’t lose your key either.

A meleth perónen,

Im meleth ich.

 ~*~

Thank you for taking the time out to read this. 🙂

❤ Me

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Yes, I just made a Katy Perry reference. I am not ashamed to admit that I have recently come obsessed with her Teenage Dream album. Pretty much every song I love. In fact, I have it on repeat right now as I’m writing this entry.


So… Yesterday was really fun! It was extremely busy! I had my first exam in College Algebra in the morning. I think it went okay, but who knows. I could think it and then find out I failed. Well, I know I didn’t fail because I was confident in most of my work. There were only about two or three problems that I was unsure about so I bs’d my way through them in a way that could make possible sense. We’ll see if I get them right.

I had a nice lunch time with S too. I do love spending time with her. She’s nice and awesome, and all around a good person. We don’t see each other much, but we shall remedy that fact and hang out more often. Promise.

Psychology was fun too. It had been a week since I read the material that the quiz was over, so I’m not sure I did so well on it. Oh well. I really enjoy that class. We get into great discussions. I even boggled a few people’s minds about the positive correlation between ice cream and homicides…

Chamber Singers was refreshingly short. I missed the rehearsal with the string quartet because I was in a class, but we rehearsed a beautiful version of Ave Maria for the Webster Reunion Mass. I’m looking forward to performing tomorrow in the September 11th Memorial Concert! It’ll be great! Time to whip out that concert dress and get all glamourous!

Later that evening, I went to the Pearson House for some play readings. It was great fun! I got to read the part of Cassie in S’s own creation, Don’t Look Back. It’s fantastic! I wish it could be performed for Surfacing… People would love it! It’s a cross between a scene between a couple set in real time and simultaneously following the Greek myth of Orpheus and Euridice! Genius! We just happen to be performing Gluck’s opera of it as well, so… it’s awesome! Let’s see if she can be convinced to submit it… All of this reading of plays awakened the actress inside me, making me remember how much I love drama and the stage. Someday I really do want to be in a production of some sort. It appears that the Opera stage doesn’t quite want to include me, but who knows what the future holds. I could show all past failures up and become a legend.

Then I spent the majority of the night writing, chatting, reading, etc until my roommate came back from working at Dairy Queen at 11:30, I think it was. She brought me back an Ooey Gooey Caramel Brownie Blizzard! It was scrumptious! I couldn’t finish it, it was so rich, and now it’s residing in the freezer until I want to eat more. Right after I put it in the freezer, this enormous craving for salty washed over me. I just had to have some! We were talking and suddenly it specified into McDonald’s fries. Unfortunately, there were no McDonald’s open after midnight… So we decided to head on over to Steak n Shake. I got chicken fingers, onion rings, and fries with ketchup and buffalo sauce. Talk about grease, fat, and yuckiness for my body. But it was gloriously good! I don’t know if it was because of cravings and hypersensitivity to taste and smell or what, but it was the best I ever had at Steak n Shake! A and I had good times talking and laughing about boys, sex, and theatre. Great times.

I didn’t get to bed until… let’s just say… really late. But I only slept in until 11:20 am today! My darn body clock doesn’t really let me sleep in until the afternoon. Oh well. I’ve spent my day being productively unproductive. And I don’t mind one bit.

It’s time for me to read some of my Psychology book for Monday. It’s interesting, so I don’t really mind so much.

Tomorrow is the really busy day; this is just the calm before the whirlwind of events to come!

Have a great evening!

❤ Me

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