Archive for October, 2010

A Zen master once said that water is of one essence, but if it is drunk by a cow it becomes milk, while if it is drunk by a snake it becomes poison. In the same way whether life is blissful or sorrowful depends on our state of mind, not on the world. So we must seek to transform the mind, to bring it into the awakened state, and this requires at the outset great faith, faith in ourselves and in the latent powers of the mind. The second step in Zen Buddhism is great doubt (dai-gi-dan). The method of Zen is very scientific. In science we are told never to believe anything unless its truth has been demonstrated experimentally. Zen takes the same stand. We are not to believe anything blindly; rather we must demonstrate its truth to ourselves.

~Thich Thien-An

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Tugged Heartstrings

Here I am, taking a little break for lunch before my first class in my second term of this semester. My Conducting class was canceled this morning, which added a little extra time for me to relax, settle, and get re-accustomed to being on my own again. I kissed my love good-bye and won’t be seeing him again until the end of this year.

Let me rewind quite a ways, back to before Fall Break even started.

The few weeks before break were stressful and difficult, to say the least. All the doctor’s appointments and feeling sick, combined with classwork and rehearsing, really took their toll on me. I was burnt-out and in desperate need of time to settle down, relax, and not do much of anything. When 7pm on Friday the 15th rolled around, I took a deep breath and just let myself exhale my first 8 weeks of stress out of my system and take in the freedom of 9 days vacation. Of course, I had to clean up my room and get it organized for Health/Safety Checks and the arrival of my boyfriend to stay with me for the final portion of my week off. Guess what? All of my boxes are put away, all of my books and papers are pretty much organized, and all that remains on my floor to put away is a bag of laundry that I did at my mom’s place! Do you realize how big of an achievement that is?! This is the cleanest and most organized that my room has been since I moved in. Which was… 9 weeks ago. I’m proud of myself!

My boyfriend arrived last Sunday, and it was wonderfully amazing. Well, it always is; no surprises there. I make myself laugh sometimes at how giddy and sentimentally in love I am. Especially when the time for him to come draws closer and closer. I probably annoy my friends around because of how much I talk about him sometimes. What can I say? I’m hopelessly in love with him! It comes in the job description as being in a relationship, at least in my book.

That being said about me being so happy that he came, Sunday beginning at 5pm was not a good time at all. Monday I was scheduled for a double whammy of a colonoscopy and endoscopy, so I had to drink this absolutely horrid prep drink every 10 minutes as quickly as I could. The two of us played a game of Lord of the Rings Monopoly, and he kicked my bum. I’ve never played so serious of a game before! And it lasted ages. The perfect game when you have to get up every few minutes or so to go to the bathroom.After taking half of that nasty stuff, I couldn’t keep it down any longer. Even a tiny sip would cause me to have to run to the bathroom and vomit it back up again. The good news is that I was finally able to bring something up again.  For the past month I had been nauseous but nothing would come up. It took 6 hours, but finally my system was as cleaned out as it would ever be before the procedures the following day. (This is probably more information than you’d care to know, but oh well. You’re going to have to go through this same procedure when you turn 40 or so. So there.)

Monday morning was not fun either. I could not consume anything since midnight, so I was dehydrated. Not too hungry though since for the past while no food would agree with my digestive system.

(It’s time for a break. I will return after my classes today. Stay tuned.)

My mom, J, and I headed over to outpatient surgery, and I did the hour of preparation before the procedures. It was so sweet how the two of them went in to wish me luck before they rolled me away. And so J came up to me and gave me a nice kiss, squeezing my hand, and sending me loving energy. One of the nurses whispered in my ear how cute he was. It’s nice to hear people say that. Of course, he’s the most attractive man alive! Thankfully, I was given an anesthetic, so I was off in dreamland whilst everything was done. Then I woke up groggy and ready to try and eat something. The doctor came back and said that according to the pictures they took of me, I have a beautiful intestine and esophagus. I’m not quite sure I agree about the attractiveness of my insides, but I trust his judgement. He’s a doctor specializing in those kinds of areas.

For my first real meal in quite a few days, we went to Denny’s, and I had a nice and filling Grand Slam. It was too much for me, and my digestive system made me suffer afterwards, but it was yummy.

The days ensuing weren’t too monumental. My love was a wonderful help while my mom was working, and we watched some pretty good films. Wednesday we ate out at a nice place in the historic area of where I live and shared a great meal of chicken teriyaki, rice pilaf, salad, rolls, and crab rangoon.

Thursday evening, J and I ventured back to my apartment on-campus. It was our 1 year and 7 month anniversary! We went to the Chocolate Bar down in the city and shared an awesome meal of bread and cheeses. And these were not standard cheeses. Nope, they were delectable and not commonly found (in this country, even). The people I live with enjoyed his company which is nice, since he’ll be coming back to visit next semester for Opera Scenes and my Junior Recital. We discovered the amazingness that is the Lord of the Rings card game and watched more films with friends.

Every time we’re together, he rejuvenates and refreshes me. I put my crazy, stressful life on pause (while still trying to keep in mind what I have to accomplish after he leaves) and surrender to our embraces. Our strong hugs, wide ranges of kisses, and just plain silliness mean the world to me. We may not always get along, and we typically have some kind of conversation of conflicts, but challenges such as those have only made us stronger and better at learning how we can understand and respect one another. I’m still learning patience with him and his second love, computers and technology, and he’s still learning about my complicated emotions and buttons that can be pushed. There is still so much that we can and will learn about each other in the future.  My confidence and trust in him and our relationship are steadily blossoming and opening up to new levels each time we’re together and re-connecting.

Saying good-bye is very difficult. I go through this period where I can’t help but cry knowing that there will be quite some time in between our next visiting one another.  It’s not so happy, but I pull through. I’ve had time to release my emotions and then get back into the swing of classes and rehearsals.

Tugged heartstrings are blessings to me. They help me to really connect with my emotions and feel all the aspects of love.

Love and Blessings to you,
❤ Me

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It could very well be a magical day today! Who knows? And there will only be two more chances in the next two years that it will match. The world will have to wait about 100 years for this to happen again. Oh, the mysterious possibilities!

This week is the final week of my first 8-week term of my third year. Time has flown by, and I’m very grateful that it has. Plenty of stressful and not so nice situations have come and gone. Some still linger, unfortunately. For nearly three weeks, I have been feeling sick and experiencing abdominal pain. My mom has taken me for tests (doctor visits, blood tests, x-rays, ultrasound, and HIDA scan) over the past few weeks. As of right now, there is no conclusive diagnosis of what is wrong. It really frustrates me, especially since I’m missing so many classes to take tests that don’t help us come any closer to the problem. At least we’re ruling out possibilities. It got to a point where I was getting used to the constant pain, and I didn’t let it bother me too much. Well, this past Thursday, I took a HIDA scan, and since then, the pain and discomfort re-magnified itself. This Wednesday, I’ll be seeing a GI doctor. Let’s see what he comes up with. I have a very small window in which this can be taken care of. My Fall Break is the week of October 18th. That’s the very best time for tests, surgeries, or whatever to be done. If nothing happens, I’ll have to deal with this for the rest of semester. I can’t afford to keep missing classes and thus having my grades slip because of health problems beyond my control.

It really stresses me out. That’s a bit ironic because this whole health problem could have been caused by stress, anxiety, and pushing myself too hard. Unfortunately, negative stress is a very bad habit of mine. And if I don’t learn more efficient ways of managing it, my health could just get worse. Life isn’t going to ease up on me. I’m just going to have to ease up on life and try to take time out of my life to relax and immerse myself in tasks that I create and love. If it has to be at the expense of homework (like my French composition that I should have submitted on Thursday), then so be it. I don’t think I will look back on this very moment, and sigh to myself, “Oh, I wish I had submitted that composition on time. My life would have been so much better if I had.” If I even remember the exact date it was due, that’d be amazing and a little sad if I worked myself up over turning in something late.

My best friend and love of my life will be here in less than a week to visit during break! I am so excited! Alas, we both haven’t been feeling well, and his car’s breaks need repairs badly, but we are going to make this happen! He lives about 180 miles away, and we aren’t able to be together in person very often, especially with his life up there and my life as a student here. We get together as often as we can during my time off school. Otherwise, we have to rely on phone, computers, and (once in a rare blue moon) letters to keep up communication. On the 21st, we will have been together for 19 months! It’s amazing how long we have been together, and we see many more months (years, even) in the future. He is the most wonderful man I could ever ask for, and I thank God every day that He brought our souls together.

I should probably make myself productive on my homework now. My mom will be meeting me soon, and we’ll be heading out to see a piano recital performed by one of my amazing faculty members at the university.

Wish me luck with everything!
Love and blessings be with you!

❤ Me

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Sweet Words

I wrote this during a class today, just letting the ideas flow.

Oh sweet words that make me think of thee
Causing me to shudder with hopeful longing
Filling my breast with lovely breath
That I would share with your lips
In an unending moment of bliss
Resounding throughout time
Where nothing exists save through thought and space
Joined as one body, heart, mind, and soul
Existing solely for each other
With no outside forces barraging our haven
Of protected loving safety and comfort

❤ Me

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  1. The Fountain
  2. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
  3. Un Long Dimanche de Fiançailles
  4. Amélie
  5. Paris Je T’Aime
  6. Pan’s Labyrinth
  7. Inception
  8. Avatar
  9. A Beautiful Mind
  10. Gran Torino
  11. Blood Diamond
  12. The Patriot
  13. 300
  14. The 10th Kingdom
  15. Dîner des Cons 
  16. Pirates of the Caribbean Trilogy
  17. Moulin Rouge
  18. Tristan and Isolde
  19. Slumdog Millionaire
  20. Eastern Promises
  21. Remember Me
  22. Atonement
  23. The Town
  24. The Dark Knight
  25. City of Angels 
  26. Edward Scissorhands
  27. Ever After
  28. Finding Neverland
  29. All Harry Potter films
  30. A Knight’s Tale
  31. Live Free or Die Hard
  32. Joyeux Noël  
  33. V for Vendetta
  34. X-Men Trilogy
  35. Braveheart
❤ Me

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