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I am sick of the slut-shaming from people that have known me my entire life. I’m sick of the judgmental condescension and refusal to take time to understand how I feel. It’s thanks to people like them that try to make women feel badly about their bodies and being confident enough to share intimate parts of their character whilst still having an element of mystery.
I share private thoughts in my poetry to expose pieces of my soul for others to read and identify a part of themselves in my work. That’s what being an artist is all about.
And when you’ve endured constant criticism and bullying about your appearance from peers and family, damn right I’m going to share photos of myself that I’m proud of in an attempt to re-wire my thoughts to try and believe that I’m beautiful and worthy of love.

No wonder I’m so messed up inside. It’s because of people like you that shame me into feeling badly about who I am as a person and woman of independence, individuality, and strength.
And you wonder why I distance myself from people like you.

 

(When it comes to personal feelings, I usually post them on my blog in the form of poems, but recent events made me too angry to make it poetic. I’ll leave my rant at that.)

Pulling Hair Out

 

-Me

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Here’s an original a’cappella version of Lana del Rey’s song, “Summertime Sadness.” I love her style! Hope you like my rendition of it! This was recorded at an Open Mic night at a coffee shop.

❤ Me

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This was written August 26, 2011 as a little journal entry for my psychology class.

 

In my opinion, Science is basically the process of discovery and finding out how something works. It could be a theory, a social experiment, or just wanting to figure out why something is the way it is. Anything could be a part of Science.

However, I don’t completely trust research. I find it to be mostly made up of hard facts, statistics, and data. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with wanting to know the exact figures of findings, but to me there is so much more to life than seeing it on an empirical level. I’m a big believer in faith, spirituality, and the mystical. Some things just can’t be described and explained by numbers and percentages. Sometimes it just needs to be accepted that it’s beyond the capabilities of man to fathom and dissect. That’s my biggest problem with science and why I don’t particularly care for certain fields of it (Psychology not included). Scientists often try to “play God,” so to speak, and it can frustrate me.

All in all, it’s great to make ground-breaking discoveries and explain new findings on meanings of life, but in the end, there will always be something beyond our control and capabilities. I wish that more people accepted that.

Science Boy

 

-Me

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I wrote this in 2011 for my Psychology class. It’s weird looking back on this because I wrote about J, who I most definitely am not in a relationship with anymore. Wow, times have changed…

In my opinion, intuition is your gut feeling, voice in your head, God speaking, and many other names for your inner voice. It is almost instinctual, in a sense, built on your primal thoughts and reactions. Of course, it can be influenced by outside forces, but inherently it’s your individual, raw thoughts inside of you.

I mostly trust my intuition. It has been correct many times, more so than wrong. The most times it has been incorrect is when I was going after crushes on boys I had in the past. One in particular was devastating, and led to my first bipolar episode. But I’m very glad I went through all of those rejections because it helped me to find the love of my life, and the man that I am pretty confident that I will marry. In that sense, my refined intuition was very helpful and correct. Although, sometimes I have uncomfortable feelings when seeing him conversing with other girls online (We’re in a long distance relationship). But he assures me that it’s nothing to worry about. He has never been unfaithful in any of his girlfriends in the past, and my relationship has so far lasted six times longer than his second longest relationship. In that way, my inner voice could use a little confidence boost and more faith in him. But what woman doesn’t wonder about their partner?

It is very useful, learning to understand and think about how correct your intuition can be. As is always the case, it can be wrong. Don’t put all of your faith in it. But do trust that it’s your mind giving you some advice that can be useful.

intuition

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I wrote this in April 2011 after going to see Don Giovanni at the Staatsoper when I was studying abroad in Vienna, Austria. Unfortunately, I was feeling ill in the middle of it and left early.

 

The final live musical performance I attended was Mozart’s Don Giovanni at the Staatsoper. It was a bittersweet experience in that I will rarely have the opportunity to witness music and productions of the quality that I have seen in the United States without having to pay a very large sum of money.

Mozart always had the flare for the dramatic, and he truly brings it out in the opening overture to Don Giovanni. It certainly reflects the story of the wooer of women and the melodrama, comedy, and supernatural elements that ensue. The backdrop of the stage consists of a screen with a picture of the cityscape in black and white. The bumbling and swooping of the low instruments brings about the loping manservant of Don Giovanni, Leporello, that sings of how he is tired of keeping watch while his master seduces women. It is a great musical portrayal of the “opera buffa” elements, as the listener feels a sense of rustic buffoonery. I thought that Leporello had a nice strong and comedic presence onstage with a resonating deep voice. Then Donna Anna appears, chasing a masked Don Giovanni and demanding to know his identity. Her voice was a bit lackluster and not too impressive, but she was attractive. Don Giovanni was also very good-looking and had a deep, powerful voice. The Commendatore appeared to defend his daughter’s honor and is killed by Don Giovanni while Donna Anna seeks help. Her grief really shines through with the music when she returns with her fiancé Don Ottavio, finding her father dead. In my opinion, Don Ottavio had the weakest and most inexperienced voice out of the entire ensemble. It was very weak, especially in the high register. They swear revenge on the unidentified man as the music swells dramatically into the scene change.

The next scene looks almost like a tavern where we see a woman, Donna Elvira, cursing Don Giovanni for leaving her and scorning her love. Leporello and Don Giovanni enter and find her, Giovanni taking some time to try to woo her until he realized she was a past conquest. A group of women gather there to celebrate perhaps the wedding shower of Zerlina, a beautiful country girl, and Leporello takes the time to brag of the large number of Giovanni’s conquests. This is one of my favourite arias in the opera, and it certainly drew laughter from the crowd. Don Giovanni arrives and is instantly taken with Zerlina and is set upon making her one of the notches on his belt. He offers to host the wedding celebration at his own lavish house, and Masetto, Zerlina’s fiancé, becomes suspicious and jealous. Elvira re-enters and tries to persuade them not to follow through with it and reveals Don Giovanni’s true nature.

Donna Anna and Don Ottavio come to the abode of Don Giovanni in an attempt to ask his help in finding the murderer of her father without realizing that they are right in front of him. Again, I was thwarted with the lackluster quality in voices. Elvira once again enters to reveal the seducing nature of Don Giovanni, and after those two depart Donna Anna realizes and recognizes Giovanni as her father’s killer.

The next scene takes place at the ball at Giovanni’s estate. I really enjoyed the elaborate costuming, but some of them just made me laugh. Leporello looked like a giant, frilly clown, and poor Masetto appeared as if he was in some kind of feathery bird costume. Masetto hides in a closet of sorts, trying to catch Zerlina with Giovanni in a compromising position. Upon discovering him there, Giovanni leads Zerlina to her fiancé and leaves them together. Meanwhile a group of masked ballgoers (Donna Elvira, Donna Anna, and Don Ottavio) enter, hoping to catch Giovanni in foul play and are ushered in by Leporello. Leporello then distracts Masetto by dancing with him in an effort to distract him from Don Giovanni’s renewed pursuit of Zerlina. We are suddenly met with Zerlina’s cries for help as Giovanni tries to frame her distress on Leporello. The group of masked guests reveal themselves and exclaims how they know the truth. Guns are drawn as the music swells into a crescendo as the act ends in suspense.

I was unable to see the second act due to my feeling very ill throughout the first act. It distracted me somewhat from enjoying the performance fully, but I still wish that I could have experienced the entire production. It would have been great to see the dramatic conclusion of Don Giovanni being dragged down to Hell.

dongiovanni

 

❤ Me

 

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Say Something

I recorded this back in November (2013) on the day that I ended my relationship with my now ex. That song has been very popular, and, while it makes me sad, it helped me realize that I needed to “give up” on him. I almost cried while I was singing, so be prepared for a sad song. But I do hope that you like it.

❤ Me

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I wrote this in April of 2012 for my Shakespeare class.

Besides the conjured spirits, Caliban was the only native to and inhabitant of the mysterious island which is the setting for William Shakepeare’s The Tempest. Prospero and his daughter Miranda chanced upon the island after fleeing forces from Milan that drove them out and appointed the dukedom to his brother, Antonio. This new exotic place became territory for Prospero to rule and utilize in his studies of the magical arts. Yet instead of being accepted and befriended, Caliban was enslaved and subjected to constant torments and insults. Prospero referred to him as “thou poisonous slave, got by the devil himself” (1.2.319). Did he deserve this treatment and portrayal as a monster, or was he simply a reflection of the more savage qualities to which any man can be reduced?

Caliban is the son of the witch Sycorax who previously ruled the island in tyranny before her death. His appearance is described as not quite human and animalistic in nature. Prospero attempts to civilize him and even teaches him how to speak properly. Yet all he does is give him orders and chores, threatening torture of cramps and unpleasant tormentsif he refuses to obey. Caliban retorts back, “You taught me language, and my profit on’t / Is, I know how to curse” (1.2.363-364). He finds ways to defy Prospero and eventually joins up with Stephano and Trinculo in an attempt to seek revenge.

The two members that are part of the shipwrecked crew, Stephano and Trinculo, aren’t the most ideal companions, but they accept Caliban readily enough and impress him with a fascinating item in their possession: alcohol. Particularly affected by the drink, he sees Stephano as a god and pledges them fealty: “These be fine things, and if they be not sprites. / That’s a brave god and celestial liquor. / I will kneel to him” (2.2.116-118). Caliban is regarded in a comic and almost pitiful light. The two men do nothing but enforce the portrayal and use him for their own means as a guide. However, Caliban shines forth as a true and reverent guardian of the island, filled with respect for it. “Be not afeared, the isle is full of noises, / Sounds, and sweet airs, that give delight and hurt not” (3.2.135-136). He speaks eloquently about the island in a way those regarding him stereotypically would not expect, sharing his own hopes and vulnerabilities. “The clouds methought would open, and show riches / Ready to drop upon me. That when I wak’d / I cried to dream again” (3.2.141-143). Winning the two over, he includes them in a plot to overthrow Prospero and gain power.

Ultimately, the plan fails, and Prospero sends spirits on a chase after them as punishment. However, as he speaks to the gathered group, Prospero recognizes Caliban as a part of him: “This thing of darkness I / Acknowledge mine” (5.1.275-276). He admits imperfection and asserts everyone’s rights to fairness and deliverance. Everyone has a darker side, and both light and dark sides should be embraced. Humanity gives rights to all seeking a place in the world.

Caliban

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