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Archive for January, 2014

It’s time you know how I really feel

Uncensored

I need to extract all of these feelings

In order to move on from the hurt

The wounds

From the knife that you held

As you stabbed me repeatedly

In my heart, mind, and spirit

 

I was wary when I started communicating with you

I had been burned by so many men

Used

Manipulated

Dating was losing meaning

I feared that I would no longer know true intimacy

 

You were patient yet persistent

You said such wonderful words

You painted pretty pictures

You wanted me to get used to seeing the word “love”

And faster than I felt I was ready

You coaxed those three words out of me

 

I fell hard and fast

Drinking in the sweet nectar of your promises

We spoke of marriage

We spoke of children

I felt love for the second time in my life

It was my fairy tale dream coming true

My hope was restored

 

And then you betrayed me

You not only changed your mind

But you took back your promises

You lied

You cheated

You manipulated

You used

You took advantage of my sweet soul

You became like all the others before you

 

I loved you

I really did

I trusted you with my heart

And you replaced me quickly

After I finally found the courage to let you go

Causing me to feel even more worthless

 

The Universe has me wrapped in its loving embrace

It is showing me that I don’t need you in my life

In fact, I am in an amazing place

My dreams are being realized and fulfilled

I am meeting people entwined in my life path and destiny

I am growing spiritually

I am becoming more of my true self

I am more beautiful

 

I thought I wouldn’t find anyone as wonderful as you

Well I’ve found several thus far

And all have been better lovers

I don’t need you to get release

Because you’re not even worth my time

I’m not dependent on a relationship to feel complete

I don’t need one

 

I’m content with being independent

I will choose my friends and partners

If I want intimacy, I will get it

Because I have goals

I have a purpose that needs to be fulfilled

And that fuels me much more powerfully

 

My heart has hardened

I don’t trust anyone

Love won’t come easily

I now doubt every single act of compassion and love

I fear commitment

I’m afraid for my heart

Because of you

 

I hope that you’re happy

With whomever you’re with

I hope she can give you what you want

I apparently couldn’t

 

But you know what?

I’ll be fine

I’m stronger than ever

More powerful

I’m going great places

I’m lightyears beyond you

I’m too good for you

 

Hopefully this will help bring me peace

You’ve been haunting me far too long

I shouldn’t waste thoughts on you

I never want to see you again

But you’ll see me

You’ll see me on the silver screen

And on the cover of magazines

You’ll hear my voice on the radio

You won’t be able to rid yourself of me

I will be everywhere

 

But you will be long gone

Goodbye

62206803-Me

 

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For Izzy

For the highest bidder on some online forum (no real money was involved), I said that I would write and dedicate a poem for the person. A girl named Izzy won, and so I asked her to share some information about herself with me. On November 14, 2008, I wrote this poem. I should do something like this again.

Midnight blue spans the skies,

Enwrapping the world in a blanket of stars.

Soft whispers of the wind

Lull all to sleep.

Except for one woman

Who sits motionless,

The ocean laid out at her feet.

Her dark eyes can look into souls.

They see all,

The naivety of those who have not

Known pain and sorrow,

The frailty of those who have not

Truly lived with their whole hearts.

Strength of the earth

Seeps into her body.

Power flowing through her veins,

Making nothing impossible to achieve.

Closing her eyes,

She feels the breeze caress her cheek.

An invisible force wraps itself

Around her in a comforting embrace.

The burdens of her heart are lifted

Replaced with peace.

A shooting star trails across the sky,

Leaving a trace of hope

Solely meant for her.

A smile bursts across her face,

Causing her entire being to glow.

One smile from her can brighten the sky.

She can feel her body lighten,

Leaving behind the weight of the world.

Lifting her face to the heavens,

She rises up among the stars,

Becoming a shining beacon herself.

There she resides,

A light to all who know her,

Source for companionship, hope,

And inspiration.

❤ Me

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I wrote this in 2011 for my Psychology class. It’s weird looking back on this because I wrote about J, who I most definitely am not in a relationship with anymore. Wow, times have changed…

In my opinion, intuition is your gut feeling, voice in your head, God speaking, and many other names for your inner voice. It is almost instinctual, in a sense, built on your primal thoughts and reactions. Of course, it can be influenced by outside forces, but inherently it’s your individual, raw thoughts inside of you.

I mostly trust my intuition. It has been correct many times, more so than wrong. The most times it has been incorrect is when I was going after crushes on boys I had in the past. One in particular was devastating, and led to my first bipolar episode. But I’m very glad I went through all of those rejections because it helped me to find the love of my life, and the man that I am pretty confident that I will marry. In that sense, my refined intuition was very helpful and correct. Although, sometimes I have uncomfortable feelings when seeing him conversing with other girls online (We’re in a long distance relationship). But he assures me that it’s nothing to worry about. He has never been unfaithful in any of his girlfriends in the past, and my relationship has so far lasted six times longer than his second longest relationship. In that way, my inner voice could use a little confidence boost and more faith in him. But what woman doesn’t wonder about their partner?

It is very useful, learning to understand and think about how correct your intuition can be. As is always the case, it can be wrong. Don’t put all of your faith in it. But do trust that it’s your mind giving you some advice that can be useful.

intuition

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I wrote this in April 2011 after going to see Don Giovanni at the Staatsoper when I was studying abroad in Vienna, Austria. Unfortunately, I was feeling ill in the middle of it and left early.

 

The final live musical performance I attended was Mozart’s Don Giovanni at the Staatsoper. It was a bittersweet experience in that I will rarely have the opportunity to witness music and productions of the quality that I have seen in the United States without having to pay a very large sum of money.

Mozart always had the flare for the dramatic, and he truly brings it out in the opening overture to Don Giovanni. It certainly reflects the story of the wooer of women and the melodrama, comedy, and supernatural elements that ensue. The backdrop of the stage consists of a screen with a picture of the cityscape in black and white. The bumbling and swooping of the low instruments brings about the loping manservant of Don Giovanni, Leporello, that sings of how he is tired of keeping watch while his master seduces women. It is a great musical portrayal of the “opera buffa” elements, as the listener feels a sense of rustic buffoonery. I thought that Leporello had a nice strong and comedic presence onstage with a resonating deep voice. Then Donna Anna appears, chasing a masked Don Giovanni and demanding to know his identity. Her voice was a bit lackluster and not too impressive, but she was attractive. Don Giovanni was also very good-looking and had a deep, powerful voice. The Commendatore appeared to defend his daughter’s honor and is killed by Don Giovanni while Donna Anna seeks help. Her grief really shines through with the music when she returns with her fiancé Don Ottavio, finding her father dead. In my opinion, Don Ottavio had the weakest and most inexperienced voice out of the entire ensemble. It was very weak, especially in the high register. They swear revenge on the unidentified man as the music swells dramatically into the scene change.

The next scene looks almost like a tavern where we see a woman, Donna Elvira, cursing Don Giovanni for leaving her and scorning her love. Leporello and Don Giovanni enter and find her, Giovanni taking some time to try to woo her until he realized she was a past conquest. A group of women gather there to celebrate perhaps the wedding shower of Zerlina, a beautiful country girl, and Leporello takes the time to brag of the large number of Giovanni’s conquests. This is one of my favourite arias in the opera, and it certainly drew laughter from the crowd. Don Giovanni arrives and is instantly taken with Zerlina and is set upon making her one of the notches on his belt. He offers to host the wedding celebration at his own lavish house, and Masetto, Zerlina’s fiancé, becomes suspicious and jealous. Elvira re-enters and tries to persuade them not to follow through with it and reveals Don Giovanni’s true nature.

Donna Anna and Don Ottavio come to the abode of Don Giovanni in an attempt to ask his help in finding the murderer of her father without realizing that they are right in front of him. Again, I was thwarted with the lackluster quality in voices. Elvira once again enters to reveal the seducing nature of Don Giovanni, and after those two depart Donna Anna realizes and recognizes Giovanni as her father’s killer.

The next scene takes place at the ball at Giovanni’s estate. I really enjoyed the elaborate costuming, but some of them just made me laugh. Leporello looked like a giant, frilly clown, and poor Masetto appeared as if he was in some kind of feathery bird costume. Masetto hides in a closet of sorts, trying to catch Zerlina with Giovanni in a compromising position. Upon discovering him there, Giovanni leads Zerlina to her fiancé and leaves them together. Meanwhile a group of masked ballgoers (Donna Elvira, Donna Anna, and Don Ottavio) enter, hoping to catch Giovanni in foul play and are ushered in by Leporello. Leporello then distracts Masetto by dancing with him in an effort to distract him from Don Giovanni’s renewed pursuit of Zerlina. We are suddenly met with Zerlina’s cries for help as Giovanni tries to frame her distress on Leporello. The group of masked guests reveal themselves and exclaims how they know the truth. Guns are drawn as the music swells into a crescendo as the act ends in suspense.

I was unable to see the second act due to my feeling very ill throughout the first act. It distracted me somewhat from enjoying the performance fully, but I still wish that I could have experienced the entire production. It would have been great to see the dramatic conclusion of Don Giovanni being dragged down to Hell.

dongiovanni

 

❤ Me

 

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Say Something

I recorded this back in November (2013) on the day that I ended my relationship with my now ex. That song has been very popular, and, while it makes me sad, it helped me realize that I needed to “give up” on him. I almost cried while I was singing, so be prepared for a sad song. But I do hope that you like it.

❤ Me

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