Archive for December, 2011

Eleven Lessons Learned in 2011

The year 2012 is almost upon everyone! Happy New Year to those that live in time zones where it is already January 1st!

As of right now, I’m not sure of what my plans will be to bring in the new year this evening, but I hope to spend it somehow with B. It doesn’t matter what we do; I’d just love to have my midnight kiss and start 2012 fresh, wiping the slate clean for new opportunities.

I thought I would end my 2011 entries with eleven lessons and bits of wisdom that I learned and have experienced this year. It has been quite a whirlwind of a year, one of the best and one of the worst. Without further ado, here are some of my bits of wisdom I’ve encountered and experienced:

  1. There is so much outside your door to explore, especially outside of your country. I had the wonderful opportunity to study abroad in Vienna, Austria from March to May 2010. It was an amazing experience, especially exploring the old history and taking pictures. I was also finally able to visit Paris for the first time for my birthday weekend! That was the first time I was in a French-speaking country in the 9 years I had been speaking the language! Unfortunately, I didn’t have enough money to explore every nook and cranny of the places I was living, but it was an awesome dip in the pool that is the world outside of the United States. I can’t wait to travel and explore more of the world!
  2. People, even friends, can be fickle. It’s unfortunate, but a lot of people in this world will only come to you if you have something important they are interested in knowing or getting and then not even give you the time of day afterward. I’ve encountered this in copious amounts returning to my university this year.
  3. Gossip is a disease that runs rampant and infects relationships. Don’t confide in people you’re not certain you can trust. If you do, they will take what you say, distort it, twist it around, and spread it to other people. It frustrates me how much gossiping and spreading things about people is a part of life, especially in my apartment, the music department, and virtually everywhere. It’s ruined friendships, and it’s made me realize that I can’t trust as many people with my personal thoughts as I once thought.
  4. There are some really sick and twisted people in this world. Some people are so concerned about their reputation that they think it’s perfectly rational to contact Facebook to claim to be threatened by an opinion expressed about a personality and situation (that never identified them in the first place), send long, harassing, and condemning rants in Facebook and text messages, print out copies of said conversations and give them to a law firm as evidence of “slander,” and treat a discussion as some kind of lawyer interrogation session in which I am interrupted incessantly, harassed, and bullied recorded on a laptop/webcam as physical evidence in case it comes down to a lawsuit/restraining order, spreading lies, claiming I’m crazy and using a disorder I have as a means to try and tear down my reputation, and trying to sabotage friendships with people I have. And I’m the crazy, unhinged one that is mediocre and needs Photoshop to look attractive (which I do not even own). Yes, this really happened, and yes, I’m living with it.
  5. If something or someone is making you physically and mentally sick, you should avoid the situation. It isn’t worth missing classes, being unable to perform as a student and singer, wasting away due to your body rejecting everything put into it, and feeling downright terrible. Your health is more important than homework and the constant demands of everyone else. Without your health and yourself at the best you can be, how can you do things for others? You come first. It’s not worth sacrificing your health for the “greater good.”
  6. No one deserves to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t treat them with love, respect, patience, and compassion. I ended my 2.5-year relationship with someone who neglected me emotionally, physically, and would rather smoke pot with his friends and play computer games than spend time with me. I poured so much of myself into caring for him and rarely received anything in return. And when I was truly struggling, his anger and emotionally abusive words came out. It was an extremely difficult hurdle to get over, but he doesn’t deserve to be in a relationship with me. And I most certainly do not deserve the words or anger or lies he directed towards me. The recovery process has been long, but I’ll be entering the new year happier and healthier.
  7. Schoolwork and busy schedules shouldn’t keep you from reading for fun. I made a goal to read 50 books this year, and I’m happy to say I accomplished it! Reading is one of my immense passions, and it’s so comforting and wonderful to curl up with a good book!
  8. Even though some people can be horrible, there will always be someone who cares and loves you. I am so grateful to my family and friends that have helped me through the challenges I’ve come across this year. I love and appreciate each and every one of you for all of your support and friendship.
  9. Not finishing homework on time is not the end of the world. Five years from now, a late assignment won’t even matter.
  10. The business world has little patience for financially struggling college students. It’s been a real struggle to find a job, and the one work-study job I have isn’t enough to live on with all of the expenses I have to pay. I’ll be working very hard to remedy this situation next year…
  11. Life is definitely worth living. No matter the struggles you go through, it will always get better. I’ve hit rock-bottom several times in my life, and this September I hit it again. My world burned down and was destroyed. But I picked myself up and met the world with full force and faith that I’ll rise above. And I have.

Enjoy the New Year festivities! Thank you for reading my work! I appreciate all of your friendship and feedback!

Much love and blessings your way!

❤ Me

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Plaguing Thoughts

Caring about me is extremely important in a relationship

Or wanting and making an effort to spend time with me

More than her. But she wins, and here I am with

People talking about how she has more of you in

Every day than I do. Why?

To think that you make

It clear that you love me and want

To be with me

Instead of her while giving her more

Of your time causes me to think that you’re

Not as invested as much as I would hope.


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Paris and Helen

This is a collaborative effort between me and my friend A. He loves to write poetry as well, and we had the idea to once again put two halves of our own work together to make one poem.

They let me choose you,
The trinity of Goddesses,
All the powers on this Earth,
Turn into matters of the Heart,

Sure my choice would lead to war,
Yet all the consequences were worth it,
I’d risk the world for you,
I have no doubt you would too,

When I saw the ships I shivered,
Hundreds of men
On Thousands of ships,
Launched to steal you from my heart,

They sent their best to the walls,
To break them down,
To break us up,
I held you in my arms away from my fear,

One champion stood before me,
Leader of the Greeks,
He stood there hopeful
Till I brought him down with my bow,

Your love is pure and true.
A gift not to be glanced over.
A beauty worth dying for.
I know why they want you back.


I am the face that launched a thousand ships

With eyes as deep as the sea

Stormy and turbulent

That many a man has drowned

Sinking into oblivion

I am not fully mortal

My father Zeus

Seducing my bathing mother

In the guise of a swan

And bringing my brother and I

Into this world of woe

I am the ultimate prize

For men to fight for and conquer

Yet here I stand

With my heart guarded

Firm and unyielding

To the covetous greed

Of the appetites of warriors

I am the wife of Menelaus

Bought and paid for

Stifling under his weight

Of ravenous kisses

And rabid lust for dominance

My soul is weary of this

Dreaming of hopeful possibilities

I am the lover ofParis

Who delights in me and my body

Treating me as a treasure

As I truly am

I would follow him to his own land

To escape my prison

And so I have

In doing so started one of the bloodiest wars

In all history

For love

I am Helen

And for following my heart

I must suffer the loss of the hearts

Of all the women who lose their loves

In my name

Am I right in my choice?

~A.T. and Me

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The Weariness of Melancholy

I have no idea what to say to you

What to think

As you fall back into the same worrying routine


These games

These words of melancholy grief

Borne from your covetous

Distorted jealousy


You twist words

Into a tangled web of gossip

Like a spider gorging upon thoughts

And spinning from them

A sticky mass of a jumbled trap

That all who encounter

Fall upon

Becoming prey


She does not know me

And with her immature behaviour

Creating a false image of me

Never truly will

If this continues as is


Here you stand

On an island

Separating two warring lands

One loves me

The other hates me

And you

What do you decide?


Will you still care for me?

Be my friend?

After all these years

Still care?


Or will you let jealousy


And unrequited love

Consume you?


Will you continue this cycling game?

I do not want to play it


Thus here I will be

In his arms

Strong and resilient

Unyielding to these jibes

Delighting in his embrace

For love conquers immaturity

And I will stand steadfast with love


Shedding burdens of childish behaviour

If necessary


Please do not keep me in this position

It is not fair

Nor will I tolerate it much longer



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Christmas 2011; Do It Anyway

Merry Christmas everyone!

I hope everyone had a wonderful time home for the holidays and was able to feast upon great foods with family and friends as well as enjoy each other’s company! My mother, brother, and I traveled up to Iowa to spend time with my grandmother, godmother, her daughters and their families. Yesterday there were at least 16 people, and in the evening time for dinner there were more! Opening presents became a three-hour affair! I’ve never had such a bustling and busy Christmas!

It tired me out and brought about a Christmas nap with some reading time. I’m now reading Bernadette Speaks: A Life of Saint Bernadette Soubirous in Her Own Words written by Father René Laurentin, one of the foremost Marian theologians of our time. It’s pretty amazing and provides an in-depth account of the life of the young saint’s life and experiences in first-hand accounts. It reads like a novel, but there are countless primary sources making it a more than just a biography written by someone about two hundred years later. I feel like I’m traveling back to the late 19th century when this occurred. I highly recommend this to anyone interested in the life of saints.

I shall give highlights of some of my favourite gifts I received this year, in case you’re interested:

  • A new digital camera! My old one I’ve dutifully held onto for quite some time. The battery door eventually broke to a point it wouldn’t shut anymore, so I held it together with a rubber band. It still takes great pictures, but my dad thought it was time for a new one. It’s smaller and lighter and has cool different settings that I can play around with. The only thing it doesn’t have is the “action” setting where it continually snaps pictures until I let go of the capture button. That’s what I love to use for head-shots to capture some amazing micro-expressions that one can’t just pose for. So I shall still use my old camera for that specific purpose.
  • The third and latest book in the Abarat series, Absolute Midnight! It’s been seven years since the second book was released! The first book came out in 2002. I loved the series when I was a pre-teen/young adult, and this summer I went on a reading binge, returning to the old books I used to love such as this series. Clive Barker, the author, hand-paints every single illustration, and I love the fantastical world he creates through this series!
  • Two movies I’ve been highly anticipating owning: Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2! I own every single film in both series, and it’s so wonderful to finally be able to see them again! Finally my Harry Potter movie collection is complete! I have all the books in French as well as the American versions. Yes, I’ve read them all in both languages!
  • Two new journals! One is a Parisian theme! I’m over halfway finished with the seventh volume of my life, and it’s my goal to fill it before I graduate. I haven’t written anything in it except for the poetry I’ve written and some from others I have read, so I will spend this break catching up on what happened this semester. It will be quite the page-turner. I haven’t even written anything about my adventures in Europe, so I think I will start my next journal early with my European account of Vienna and my brief birthday trip to Paris.  And then I will wait until I finish my current journal before I continue on with that next one. The other journal is a pretty one that’s a day by day, a place to put the date on each new page. I can never just write one page a day, so I will be overlapping, it seems. That journal may be simultaneous, forcing me to write every single day. I haven’t decided yet.
  • My godmother also gave me the book, Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill. It’s particularly special because not only did my uncle read it and love it, my godmother gave me the book that belonged to him. His name is written inside it. We both got teary-eyed as I opened it and saw his name inside. I will treasure it always. This is another way he can be with me in spirit.

My godmother received a framed picture of a beautiful flower (can’t remember which kind), and below it was a poem. I wrote it down because it struck a particular chord in me. I’ll share it with you:

Do It Anyway

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered; forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough; give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis it is between you and God; it was never between you and them anyway.

-Mother Teresa


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Enjoy the continuation of the holiday season!

❤ Me

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