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I can never forget my first

Love

He is etched on my heart and soul

From when I was innocent and untouched

Not yet soiled by society

Still naive and hopeful

Passionate and creative

Dreaming of a bright future

But then I was ripped from my fantasies

Stripped bare

Raped by medicine and doctors and diagnoses

I was a virgin penetrated by traumas

It was painful

I didn’t belong

I longed to escape from my cage

And so I burned my Self to the ground

Resurrecting and liberating myself

On the ninth day

My first love never came to me

He never held me

Nor did he touch me

All I had was his words

Brief glimpses of his voice that I have since forgotten

And photos

Eleven years have passed

I am now married and living abroad

He is engaged to another

Yet we are closer than before

Nothing will ever happen that could compromise our evolved lives

But I do hope that one day our bodies will someday stand in the presence of one another

And our souls will greet one another

With love, light, happiness, and peace

Because out of that tumultuous time

Came a Phoenix

She has been reborn on several occasions

Over the years

Yet there is still the innocent dreamer

Hidden beneath the ashes

Waiting

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It’s time you know how I really feel

Uncensored

I need to extract all of these feelings

In order to move on from the hurt

The wounds

From the knife that you held

As you stabbed me repeatedly

In my heart, mind, and spirit

 

I was wary when I started communicating with you

I had been burned by so many men

Used

Manipulated

Dating was losing meaning

I feared that I would no longer know true intimacy

 

You were patient yet persistent

You said such wonderful words

You painted pretty pictures

You wanted me to get used to seeing the word “love”

And faster than I felt I was ready

You coaxed those three words out of me

 

I fell hard and fast

Drinking in the sweet nectar of your promises

We spoke of marriage

We spoke of children

I felt love for the second time in my life

It was my fairy tale dream coming true

My hope was restored

 

And then you betrayed me

You not only changed your mind

But you took back your promises

You lied

You cheated

You manipulated

You used

You took advantage of my sweet soul

You became like all the others before you

 

I loved you

I really did

I trusted you with my heart

And you replaced me quickly

After I finally found the courage to let you go

Causing me to feel even more worthless

 

The Universe has me wrapped in its loving embrace

It is showing me that I don’t need you in my life

In fact, I am in an amazing place

My dreams are being realized and fulfilled

I am meeting people entwined in my life path and destiny

I am growing spiritually

I am becoming more of my true self

I am more beautiful

 

I thought I wouldn’t find anyone as wonderful as you

Well I’ve found several thus far

And all have been better lovers

I don’t need you to get release

Because you’re not even worth my time

I’m not dependent on a relationship to feel complete

I don’t need one

 

I’m content with being independent

I will choose my friends and partners

If I want intimacy, I will get it

Because I have goals

I have a purpose that needs to be fulfilled

And that fuels me much more powerfully

 

My heart has hardened

I don’t trust anyone

Love won’t come easily

I now doubt every single act of compassion and love

I fear commitment

I’m afraid for my heart

Because of you

 

I hope that you’re happy

With whomever you’re with

I hope she can give you what you want

I apparently couldn’t

 

But you know what?

I’ll be fine

I’m stronger than ever

More powerful

I’m going great places

I’m lightyears beyond you

I’m too good for you

 

Hopefully this will help bring me peace

You’ve been haunting me far too long

I shouldn’t waste thoughts on you

I never want to see you again

But you’ll see me

You’ll see me on the silver screen

And on the cover of magazines

You’ll hear my voice on the radio

You won’t be able to rid yourself of me

I will be everywhere

 

But you will be long gone

Goodbye

62206803-Me

 

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I wrote this in 2011 for my Psychology class. It’s weird looking back on this because I wrote about J, who I most definitely am not in a relationship with anymore. Wow, times have changed…

In my opinion, intuition is your gut feeling, voice in your head, God speaking, and many other names for your inner voice. It is almost instinctual, in a sense, built on your primal thoughts and reactions. Of course, it can be influenced by outside forces, but inherently it’s your individual, raw thoughts inside of you.

I mostly trust my intuition. It has been correct many times, more so than wrong. The most times it has been incorrect is when I was going after crushes on boys I had in the past. One in particular was devastating, and led to my first bipolar episode. But I’m very glad I went through all of those rejections because it helped me to find the love of my life, and the man that I am pretty confident that I will marry. In that sense, my refined intuition was very helpful and correct. Although, sometimes I have uncomfortable feelings when seeing him conversing with other girls online (We’re in a long distance relationship). But he assures me that it’s nothing to worry about. He has never been unfaithful in any of his girlfriends in the past, and my relationship has so far lasted six times longer than his second longest relationship. In that way, my inner voice could use a little confidence boost and more faith in him. But what woman doesn’t wonder about their partner?

It is very useful, learning to understand and think about how correct your intuition can be. As is always the case, it can be wrong. Don’t put all of your faith in it. But do trust that it’s your mind giving you some advice that can be useful.

intuition

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I want time to stop

Because with each passing day

Your leaving looms near

 

62206939

 

-Me

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You make me feel safe
When you hold me in your arms
Never let me go

The love radiates
From your heart out through your eyes
Filling me with joy

We build our own world
In a place outside of time
Where we can be free

My love purely shines
Bathing you in light and hope
Faith for the future

As our soft lips touch
Let us drown in this embrace
Joined as one always

❤ Me

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