Today marks the one-year anniversary of me ending my first, longest, and most serious relationship. I woke up feeling pretty darn sick, physically and emotionally, but as the day went on, I’ve been getting much better. Here’s a little something I wrote:
;
I’m okay
If by okay, I mean
I’m sick inside and out
;
I’m okay
If by okay, I mean
I’ve been crying for hours
;
I’m okay
If by okay, I mean
Every word you said to me a year ago stabs me
;
I’m okay
If by okay, I mean
I miss hearing from you
;
I’m okay
If by okay, I mean
I wish I could talk to you
;
I’m okay
If by okay, I mean
I hope one day you will listen
;
I’m okay
If by okay, I mean
I’m praying you’ll understand
;
I’m okay
If by okay, I mean
I want there to be peace between us
;
I’m okay
If by okay, I mean
I forgive you
;
I’m okay
If by okay, I mean
I’ve been moving on steadily
;
I’m okay
If by okay, I mean
I’m confident my future love will find me
;
I’m okay
If by okay, I mean
My life is getting better
;
I’m okay
If by okay, I mean
I’m letting go
;
I’m okay
If by okay, I mean
I love who I am becoming
;
I’m okay
If by okay, I mean
I am.
J is still the most difficult breakup I’ve ever experienced. I can now say, as hard as it is to say, that we ended because I was taken advantage of. For a man to retaliate to hearing That by insinuating I’m a “cheap whore” or “ice queen” or “cheater” is absolutely terrible. He is still probably convinced I was unfaithful to him when in fact, had I not consumed alcohol that one night, it wouldn’t have ever happened in the first place. And this was not my fault. I was not the one in the wrong. I loved J. But to him, I was just another girl who wasn’t satisfied with him sexually and resorted to finding it elsewhere…
My heart is still wounded by his words and deeds. And while the scars may never completely disappear, I am confident that they are healing nicely. In fact, I may or may not have several suitors knocking at my door right now! As awesome as that is, I’m going to put the pause button on committing myself to one man. I want to enjoy being single and free to be all that I can be! I’m not sure how long I will stay this way, but it might be quite some time.
And soon I will sit down and enjoy the film, Un Long Dimanche de Fiançailles without subtitles! Gaspard Ulliel is my ultimate celebrity crush! It will be a wonderful night.
;
<;3 Me
Under the Fallen Leaves 