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Posts Tagged ‘breakup’

It’s time you know how I really feel

Uncensored

I need to extract all of these feelings

In order to move on from the hurt

The wounds

From the knife that you held

As you stabbed me repeatedly

In my heart, mind, and spirit

 

I was wary when I started communicating with you

I had been burned by so many men

Used

Manipulated

Dating was losing meaning

I feared that I would no longer know true intimacy

 

You were patient yet persistent

You said such wonderful words

You painted pretty pictures

You wanted me to get used to seeing the word “love”

And faster than I felt I was ready

You coaxed those three words out of me

 

I fell hard and fast

Drinking in the sweet nectar of your promises

We spoke of marriage

We spoke of children

I felt love for the second time in my life

It was my fairy tale dream coming true

My hope was restored

 

And then you betrayed me

You not only changed your mind

But you took back your promises

You lied

You cheated

You manipulated

You used

You took advantage of my sweet soul

You became like all the others before you

 

I loved you

I really did

I trusted you with my heart

And you replaced me quickly

After I finally found the courage to let you go

Causing me to feel even more worthless

 

The Universe has me wrapped in its loving embrace

It is showing me that I don’t need you in my life

In fact, I am in an amazing place

My dreams are being realized and fulfilled

I am meeting people entwined in my life path and destiny

I am growing spiritually

I am becoming more of my true self

I am more beautiful

 

I thought I wouldn’t find anyone as wonderful as you

Well I’ve found several thus far

And all have been better lovers

I don’t need you to get release

Because you’re not even worth my time

I’m not dependent on a relationship to feel complete

I don’t need one

 

I’m content with being independent

I will choose my friends and partners

If I want intimacy, I will get it

Because I have goals

I have a purpose that needs to be fulfilled

And that fuels me much more powerfully

 

My heart has hardened

I don’t trust anyone

Love won’t come easily

I now doubt every single act of compassion and love

I fear commitment

I’m afraid for my heart

Because of you

 

I hope that you’re happy

With whomever you’re with

I hope she can give you what you want

I apparently couldn’t

 

But you know what?

I’ll be fine

I’m stronger than ever

More powerful

I’m going great places

I’m lightyears beyond you

I’m too good for you

 

Hopefully this will help bring me peace

You’ve been haunting me far too long

I shouldn’t waste thoughts on you

I never want to see you again

But you’ll see me

You’ll see me on the silver screen

And on the cover of magazines

You’ll hear my voice on the radio

You won’t be able to rid yourself of me

I will be everywhere

 

But you will be long gone

Goodbye

62206803-Me

 

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Today marks the one-year anniversary of me ending my first, longest, and most serious relationship. I woke up feeling pretty darn sick, physically and emotionally, but as the day went on, I’ve been getting much better. Here’s a little something I wrote:

;

I’m okay

If by okay, I mean

I’m sick inside and out

;

I’m okay

If by okay, I mean

I’ve been crying for hours

;

I’m okay

If by okay, I mean

Every word you said to me a year ago stabs me

;

I’m okay

If by okay, I mean

I miss hearing from you

;

I’m okay

If by okay, I mean

I wish I could talk to you

;

I’m okay

If by okay, I mean

I hope one day you will listen

;

I’m okay

If by okay, I mean

I’m praying you’ll understand

;

I’m okay

If by okay, I mean

I want there to be peace between us

;

I’m okay

If by okay, I mean

I forgive you

;

I’m okay

If by okay, I mean

I’ve been moving on steadily

;

I’m okay

If by okay, I mean

I’m confident my future love will find me

;

I’m okay

If by okay, I mean

My life is getting better

;

I’m okay

If by okay, I mean

I’m letting go

;

I’m okay

If by okay, I mean

I love who I am becoming

;

I’m okay

If by okay, I mean

I am.

J is still the most difficult breakup I’ve ever experienced. I can now say, as hard as it is to say, that we ended because I was taken advantage of. For a man to retaliate to hearing That by insinuating I’m a “cheap whore” or “ice queen” or “cheater” is absolutely terrible. He is still probably convinced I was unfaithful to him when in fact, had I not consumed alcohol that one night, it wouldn’t have ever happened in the first place. And this was not my fault. I was not the one in the wrong. I loved J. But to him, I was just another girl who wasn’t satisfied with him sexually and resorted to finding it elsewhere…

My heart is still wounded by his words and deeds. And while the scars may never completely disappear, I am confident that they are healing nicely. In fact, I may or may not have several suitors knocking at my door right now! As awesome as that is, I’m going to put the pause button on committing myself to one man. I want to enjoy being single and free to be all that I can be! I’m not sure how long I will stay this way, but it might be quite some time.

And soon I will sit down and enjoy the film, Un Long Dimanche de Fiançailles without subtitles! Gaspard Ulliel is my ultimate celebrity crush! It will be a wonderful night.

;

<;3 Me

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